IUI #1

Aunt Flo came October 22. I had 3 months of trying since our miscarriage, 2 with meds and 1 without. I decided to talk with the nurses. I wasn't getting impatient but I wanted to know if they had any thoughts about what was going wrong or any suggestions for the current cycle. Both nurses agreed that everything looked good "on paper." they said perhaps my husband's slightly low (but not bad) morphology may have something to do with it. Or perhaps Clomid is giving me hostile cervical fluid. An IUI would solve both problems. So we made the decision to go forward with my first IUI.

We went in today. My husband's "stuff" looked great!! They gave him an A+ which made him so proud! (Yeah of course he'd be thrilled to know he's fine and not our problem...) Everything had been looking good with me. The IUI kind of hurt, almost burned, for a quick minute but not too long and not unbearable. It really was much better than I expected.

I'm very hopeful about this month, especially with how good my hubby's "stuff" was. But I'm cautiously hopeful because I know it can take a couple of tries before it works. We'll see! Fingers crossed that this will be my one and only!!

So let the two week wait begin...

Relaxing - or Trying To

I've been a really bad blogger lately.

I know it helps a lot of people to write about what's going on. But for me, I'm trying to think of ttc stuff a little less. I'm trying to "relax" as much as possible.

I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. You may think I'd think of ttc stuff more now with all my free time. Instead, it's giving me more time to focus on the things I enjoy so I've spent less time dwelling on infertility.

Here's a quick update, I took 25mg Clomid this month instead of Femara. I had a MUCH better experience - no migraines! I took my Ovidrel shot yesterday so right now my ovaries feel like they're about to explode!

I'm not really looking forward to the 2 week wait but I'm trying to be hopeful of the outcome. We'll see! Hopefully this is our month!!!!

My Due Date

If I hadn't had the miscarriage, today would have been the due date.

For months I dreaded this day. I prayed so hard that I'd be pregnant by now. I wondered how I would get through this day not pregnant.

And now the day is here. I'm not really sure what to think. I'm surprisingly not sad. I just think it's crazy that I would've been having my baby any day now. Sometimes I sit and think about how different our life would be right now.

Obviously I wish I was still pregnant and praying that Matthew would be making his debut very soon. I can't wait to meet him someday, to see what he looks like, and to tell him I love him.

But today I'm I actually okay, surprisingly hopeful. I took a personal day and I'm glad I did. It has been nice to have some alone time. I am hopeful for our future, that we will get pregnant again and have healthy children. But Matthew will always be in my heart! I miss him.

Finally an Update

I've been a bad blogger. I'm sorry.

I took my Ovidrel shot on Saturday. I hate needles so even though this needle is so tiny, I was so afraid to get the shot. I think it was mostly because it was my hubby giving it to me and not a nurse. But he did a good job and it was painless. So that means that I should be ovulating today if I haven't already. I go on Friday for a progesterone blood test.

What would have been Matthew's due date is on Friday. I'm taking the day off work, just to have a day to myself. I'm not feeling too upset. Maybe it'll hit me more on Friday. It's just weird for me to think that I could have been bringing home a baby any day now. Instead of having a baby on Friday, I'm going in for a blood test to see if I even ovulated. My hubby is taking me out for dinner, along with my BF and her hubby, jut to acknowledge the day. What do you do on a would-have-been-due-date? Pretend that it's just a normal day? It isn't really. Make a big to do? I don't really want that. It's just a weird day. I'd kind of like to just skip over it.

I put my two weeks in at my job last Thursday. So my last two weeks of work are lining right up with my two week wait. I'm kind of looking forward to some time off. I may still get a part time job, just for the money. But whatever I do will be low key. I'm so thankful that we are in a position where I can do this.

My thoughts today are with Lisa who is finally going to be bringing her son home after a long journey. I am so excited for her.

Next Steps

With AF coming on Tuesday, my husband and I decided the best thing for us to do at this point is go back to the RE and get started on a plan. The thing is, as far as I know I'm ovulating. Tracking pointed towards it, my OPK came back positive, and then 13 days later AF came. I debated for awhile getting started back on meds. If I'm ovulating, what's the point. But my hubby and I decided that we really felt that was best for us.

My cycles are on the longer side (but nowhere near as long as before). I didn't even ovulate last month until cd24 I think. So each cycle that doesn't give me a bfp means I have to wait even longer. Plus, I just want to be under the doctor's watch and care.

When I went to the RE he was so good. Everytime I go I'm just so thankful to have such a good doctor. He did a wonderful job explaining to me what the plan was and what the medicine would actually be doing for me. He even drew me pictures (upside down too lol). I felt such at ease like we had made the right decision.

Today is cd3 and I've already taken my first dose of Femara. I go back next Thursday for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. If all looks right then I'll be taking my Ovidrel shot and get on with the BDing! lol

I feel really hopeful about this cycle. This weekend will probably go by fast and before we know it we'll be back in the 2 week wait. I'm not touching my thermometer this time. It makes me crazy! I'm excited to see what this cycle brings, hopefully a bfp, but it's good to just have a plan again and be under the doctor's care.

Not This Month

BFN.

We were so sure that this was our month. I was afraid of a bfn but I really didn't think it would happen. 

I'm not sure why I'm SO discouraged by this. It was only our first try after the miscarriage. But I really just thought that this was our month. I'm finally ovulating, which was the problem before. So I kind of hoped that I'd be one of those people that could get pregnant on my first try after a miscarriage. But that's not the case.

It's also really hard because what would have been Matthew's due date is Sept 17. I prayed SO hard that I'd be pregnant by then. I know that day is going to be hard but knowing that I was pregnant again would make it at least a little easier.

After we were given the go ahead to start trying again, we were told we could start on meds or try it naturally for awhile. This month we tried naturally. I wanted to say my body could do it on it's own. And maybe it still can but how much longer is it going to take? My cycles aren't the 28 day cycles. They're kinda long. So each cycle that fails takes that much more time away.

I called my RE today about getting a plan started for going forward.  I think he told me before that I'd be going on Femara and maybe a shot (not sure which one) to start with. I'm waiting for his nurse to call back so we'll see what they say about going forward.

I know it's AF's emotions and I'll be fine either later today or in the next day or so. I'm just really disappointed right now. It's so great to have a hubby and Twitter/blog friends who understand and let me mope for a bit. I'm glad no one was at work when I got in because I definitely had a cry fest for a minute. Hopefully this day goes by fast.

Two Week Wait

I'm now halfway through my first two week wait in about 9 months. It sucks!

I try so hard not to dwell on all of the little symptoms. But as you all know it's SO hard not to! Am I tired because there's a baby growing in me or because I got like 4 hours of sleep Sunday night and it threw me off for the rest of the week? Is it because AF is on her way that I'm having so many food cravings, baby, or just random? Then there's the dreams. The day I ovulated I had a dream that I had a baby, actually saw HER face and knew her name. I've never had such a detailed dream about a baby. Is that a sign or a coincidence? Since then, I've had at least 3 nursing dreams. The last time I had nursing dreams was when I was pregnant. Coincidence?

One day I'm convinced I'm pregnant. The next day I'm convinced I'm not. Why do I think SO much about all of this? Why can't I just turn off my brain for once?

One more week of this......

Wordless Wednesday - Finally a +OPK!!!

Now my fingers are crossed!!!

New Blog Friday!!

Yay! Aly from The Infertility Overachievers is featuring my blog for her New Blog Friday. I'm really excited to have the opportunity to meet new people. Thanks Aly!

If you want to know a little more about me, check out this post. I already gave a quick background so I'm not going to repeat myself. Instead I'm going to give a little update with where we're at now.

For the past 4 months since our miscarriage, I haven't really let myself look towards the future and plan for our next baby. Now that we're finally cleared to start ttc again, I've finally started letting myself dream! I'm thinking about names, nicknames, nursery decor, and I've even had dreams about being pregnant again.

It's weird to me to be starting over. At first I think I felt that by dreaming about our next baby, I was setting aside and almost trying to forget about the baby we lost. But I can't look at it like that. I will never forget Matthew Owen and I know there will be times that I think of him and even cry and that's ok. But I have to be able to move forward and prepare for our next baby.

I'm having fun thinking of nursery decor. I'm convinced our next child is a girl but who knows maybe that feeling will change when we actually get pregnant. And maybe it's completely wrong altogether. We'll see! All I know is that decorating a nursery is going to be a lot of fun!! Here's a quick glimpse into my head:

or

I'm excited, hopeful, and I just have really good feelings about our future.  My husband and I really feel like we'll be pregnant again soon.  I'm just praying hard that the next pregnancy is a healthy pregnancy, no complications, and that the baby will be born healthy and full term!

Thanks for checking out my blog! Leave me a comment. I'd love to meet new people!

Green light!

My doctor told me last week that I'd be getting my results from the biospy back within a week. Well yesterday was a week and I still hadn't heard back. I was getting nervous but I didn't want to call because part of me didn't want to hear the results (if it was bad news). So without me knowing, my husband called in and they called him back.

ALL CLEAR!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo!!! Can I scream it from the roof tops any louder?!

Physically it looks as though I'm no longer being tied to the miscarriage which is great news for me. How can I heal emotionally if my body isn't even healing physically.

So it looks like we're all good to start ttc again. Now we're trying to decide if we want to try it naturally for a month or two or go back to taking meds. I think I'd just be starting on Femara. I've been ovulating (or at least I think I have been based on tracking) for the past several months. Before I got pregnant, I was going to the doc because I had gone about 9 months or so without a period at all. So even getting my period is great news.

I'm nervous about not getting pregnant before the old due date (Sept 17) but I know that adding un-needed stress isn't going to help the situation. So I'm trying to let go of that. This is a fresh start for us. Hopefully I'll get my bfp soon!!!

Endometrial Biopsy

Today was my endometrial biopsy to see if my infection/inflammation is gone. I won't find out the results for another week.

The doctor said it would like a pap smear so I didn't think anything of it. I wish I would have asked around because it was no pap smear! Lol. He said he was doing something to numb me but it didn't help. I felt everything! At first just a tear - then sobs. :) It hurt so bad. Afterwards I thought I was going to throw up, but didn't. So I started to head out when all of a sudden I started blacking out. So I told the sweetest nurse ever who helped me lay down. Apparently I don't handle pain well. I guess that means I'll be using an epidural :)

I've been really good lately. I'm growing/healing, feeling more myself, and having fun! But today I was bummed. I'm so tired of all this crap. Why are so many of us having to go on this long and painful journey - both emotional and physical - while others get pregnant on their first try? Just doesn't make sense.

I'm just tired, physically from lack of sleep, tired of waiting, tired of a roller coaster, tired of hurting, just tired! I'm so ready to get pregnant again. I pray it happens soon.

A Healthy Appreciation

During our time of wanting kids, I've seen a lot of my friends/family also start their families. (Most of my friends got pregnant on their first try too, if they were even trying.) It's been really interesting for me to see them during pregnancy and then as they become parents. Watching them, is helping me prepare to be a mom. I hope I'm a good mom!

I've seen pregnant friends enjoy every minute, even the rough times, knowing that they have a baby inside of them. I've seen other women go through pregnancy complaining about everything along the way. I know that pregnancy can be really hard. I went through the first trimester and honestly it was hard for me: throwing up, constantly nauseous, barely able to eat anything, watching my body change (although some of that was good lol), etc. But I assumed that meant my baby was healthy and growing inside of me. I knew that time would pass and in the end all that mattered was a healthy baby. I can't WAIT until the day I'm experiencing that again.

I've also watched my friends/family become parents. Some people make it seem like it's so hard it's a burden, while others make it seem like a joy. I love my sister in law. She's a great mom. In fact, she's the one that got me all excited to be a mom. I know it's a lot of work for her; she doesn't hide that. But you can just see how much she loves her kids and being a mom. She may be tired, but I don't think I've ever heard her complain about parenthood.

I don't want it to come across that parents aren't allowed to be honest about what they're going through. I know being pregnant can be hard and I know parenting is a lot of work. Even though I absolutely love being around kids, like my niece and nephew, I'm always exhausted afterward. lol But there's a difference to me between venting your day and just complaining.

I feel like so many of us have said, because of our journey, we're going to be so appreciative of our pregnancy and of our kids. Do we say now that we'll be different but as soon as that baby pops out will we just start complaining about how hard it is? How will we get through the rough times without making it seem like parenthood is a burden? What can we do to help remind ourselves of where we've come from and how appreciative we are of those babies?

It still hurts!

It's been about 3.5 months since we lost our baby. I feel like people think I should be moving on by now, which is probably coming more from my mind than from anyone else. My friends understand and they're there for me but I just feel like they get tired of listening to me talk about it. (I'm sure that's not actually the case though.) I just don't like being the downer.

I have more good days than bad now. But I definitely have my bad days. I just wish my baby was still in my belly and I'd be meeting him in just a few months! AF is here now and I'm not sure if I've been so down because of her, if this is normal, or if there's something wrong and I should go talk to someone about it.

I have so many friends who are pregnant right now. Some are due around the time that I was due. It's so hard to see them pregnant, their bellies growing, hear about the baby moving, finding out genders, and starting to have baby showers. That's where I should be!

I also have a bunch of friends who are around the 13 weeks point in their pregnancy. Surprisingly that is also really hard for me. That's when I lost the baby. I would NEVER EVER wish our situation on anyone. It's just really hard to see them going to their 13 wk appt and getting good news at the end of it. That's all I wanted at that appointment but instead our nightmare started.

The other reason I think it's been hard is because we haven't even been able to start trying. I'm still held back from this miscarriage. I want to move on but I can't until I'm told my infection is gone. I can't wait to start trying but at the same time, I'm terrified to ttc because I don't know what to expect. Will it take a long time again? Will I actually be able to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby?

I'm normally a very hopeful person. I'm always the one who expected the best and had faith that in the end everything would work out. But right now I'm afraid to be hopeful because I don't want to be let down again. 

I feel like I'm letting my circumstances determine my happiness but I want to be happy regardless of what's going on - to be happy right where I'm at! I don't want it to seem like the world revolves around me or that my friends can't be excited around me for their own babies/pregnancies. I just want to be me again and to be HAPPY!

I don't want to wait!

Almost immediately after posting my last post, I got the call from my RE to schedule the appointment to see if the infection is gone. Apparently, that test is done at the end of the cycle, not the beginning which is what I thought I had been told. So, now I have to wait another cycle to try to get pregnant.

This shouldn't be a big deal. What's one more month, right? But this has really discouraged me. I just feel like I'll start to get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel and then it gets pushed back even more. I'm just getting really tired of the wait! (Aren't we all!) I think it scares me a little because we're getting closer and closer to our old due date. While I've tried not to set any expectations on us, it would be really hard for me to not be pregnant by then. But now we'll pretty much only have one chance before then.

I'm sure part of this is hormones. I'm trying to focus on all of the good stuff going on with us. My hubby has a  new job. I'm at least getting periods! That wasn't even happening before. It's only another month and then we can try. I have so much to be thankful for. There are so many people going through even harder situations, that I feel bad getting so frustrated about this.

I'll think of all the positives yet this has me so discouraged that all I want to do is cry! I try to be hopeful and  yet in the back of my mind, I'm kind of expecting the worst. Not to mention now pretty much all of my friends either have a kid(s) or are pregnant! I can't go anywhere to get away from it. I just don't know how to get myself out of this funk.

Visitors and Our Next Steps

We had a great weekend! Our Anniversary was wonderful. My parents came on Saturday and we had a good time with them, played cards, watched a movie, and took them to our favorite BBQ place. We went to lunch with my cousin, his wife, and their nearly 1 year old daughter. They live in Indiana so we don't get to see them much. Yesterday we went to lunch with my husband's family and my parents. I just love being around family. I'm blessed to have such a great family and in-laws.

But for some really great news, AF came yesterday!!! Happy Father's Day Honey! Who would have ever guessed me getting AF would be a great Father's Day gift. But now that you're here, AF, don't stay too long and please leave again for at least 9 months so I can have a baby. Thanks!

So, the next step is for me to go in and have a quick test to make sure the infection is gone. If so, then we're good to start TTC again! My fingers are crossed!

I think I'm going to TTC naturally for a couple of months. My problem before was that I wasn't ovulating on my own. But since the miscarriage, I've had 3 periods. I only tracked for part of the last cycle but I definitely saw signs of ovulation. I'm thinking if I'm able to ovulate on my own then we should be good. We'll see though. I don't know how long I'm willing to try on my own. If it takes more than a couple of months, I won't hesitate to head back to the specialist.

I'm trying to stay hopeful and relaxed. The 3 months we had "off," where we were told to try NOT to get prego, actually ended up being a good break for me. I'm excited to start trying again. So here's hoping everything checks out fine, we get the green light, and in a month or so we get even Bigger Fantastically Positive news! :)

Our Weekend of Celebrations

This weekend is full of celebrations for us. Yesterday was our 5th Anniversary, we're celebrating my hubby's new job, of course Father's Day and then my BIL's birthday today.  Sunday, we're going to lunch with my dad, my hubby's dad, and my hubby's brother (2 kids and 1 on the way). My hubby said we're celebrating 4 fathers. Absolutely Honey! I'm so thankful for him. He's the best husband and will be the best Daddy to our kids. :)

Last night we ate at Bahama Breeze and then came home to watch a movie. Before the movie, we played cards together. lol So romantic, I know. But we had fun together. The night reminded me of our dates prior to getting married.

We talked a lot yesterday about the past five years. I asked if he thought this is where we'd be after 5 years and we both agreed that we are pretty much where we thought'd we'd be. We have a house, good jobs, and are hoping to start a family. Of course, we never imagined we'd have had a miscarriage, but no one expects that. My hubby said that he expects that by our 10th we'll have at least 2 but maybe a third on the way. LOL we'll see about that. Let's take it one baby at a time :)

So totally unrelated....At Easter, my mom gave me a recipe book full of my Great Grandma's recipes and a little section of history. It was wonderful! Well my parents are coming to visit this weekend and my mom's bringing another recipe book she made of my Grandma's recipes (dad's mom). Whenever I talk to my Grandma on the phone, we always talk about food and share recipes. So this is really special to me. I can't wait to see the recipes! It's funny because they're just recipes, but for me it's more than that.

Hope you all have a great weekend!!

Starting to get glimpses of Spring!

When my husband and I went on our California vacation, we said it was a fresh start for us. We felt like it would be our transition from winter to spring. Even though I said that, it's been kind of hard for me to believe that spring would ever come.

We tried to get pregnant for a year with disappointment after disappointment. I get pregnant and then lose the baby, then I lose my grandpa, finally I find out that I still have stuff going on in me from the miscarriage (more placenta and the infection). I wanted to get excited and hopeful for our future but at the same time I don't want to get disappointed again.

Things have started looking a little brighter though. I hadn't tracked anything with my body for the last 3 months. I figured I'm not supposed to get prego right now anyway so might as well take a break. I started temping once I got back from CA and noticed a spike last week. So I'm hoping that means that AF comes within a week! Also, my husband got a new job which we are really excited about and is a really good thing for our family and family plans.

However, I've still been on an emotional roller coaster. One day I'm fine, in fact super excited and hopeful about our future. The next day I'm totally discouraged and wonder if I'll ever get my miracle baby.

Yesterday started out one of my really good days. Every Wednesday we have a group of friends come over, 4 other couples. One couple had a baby about 2 months ago (one of my best friends), another couple has 2 kids and is prego with their third, and then the third couple announced their pregnancy last night. In fact, the two pregos are literally days apart! This was their first try too of course! For some reason it was a huge blow to me.

I am not really sure exactly why it was so hard. I think part of it is now I'm the last of that group and one of the last of all my friends to have a baby. I have tried through our whole journey to be SO genuinely excited for people when they're pregnant and I really am so happy for her. But I felt like the worst person ever last night. All I wanted to do was cry. Here she is telling us her happy news and I couldn't even crack a fake smile in fear that I'd bawl my eyes out. The whole night was baby talk and I wanted to just go to bed but it was at our house!

I ended up having a long conversation with my really good friend and she helped a lot. I hate where I'm at right now. It's a really hard journey and it's hard to watch everyone around me have babies but not me. I know my friends understand what we've been through and understand it's hard. I don't want them to stop talking about babies around me. That's their lives and I want them to be able to talk and celebrate and I don't want to always be the downer. I know when I get prego again, I'll be back to my happy self and we'll all talk babies together and it'll be great. But I don't want it to seem that the world revolves around me and I can only be happy when it's something good happening to me.

Onto a new day. I'm sure I'll get back on the roller coaster and be happy and hopeful today. Hopefully AF comes soon to ease these hormones :) I'm trying to look at the good....when I DO get pregnant again, I'll be able to be prego with 3 of my really good friends. That'll be fun. I just hope it happens soon!

A Much Needed Break

Sorry I've been MIA for the past week.  My hubby and I went on a MUCH needed vacation to California. We had such a great time. We felt like it was our turning point. It'd been a rough couple of months and we're now looking towards good things in our future.

We spent 3 days in San Diego, just the two of us, and then 3 days in LA with a friend who lives there. San Diego was so much fun. We stayed at the W which was excellent! They upgraded our room to the 18th floor with a partial bay view because we were celebrating our anniversary (early, it's actually June 18). They also gave us free champagne and chocolates.

The first day there we went to Balboa park and just relaxed and ate good food. We ate dinner in the little Italy area of San Diego and then walked back to our hotel and watched a movie.

Day two we went to a beach.  You had to hike down a huge cliff to get there. It was a gorgeous view.  Then we went kayaking in the ocean. They took us to some sea caves and saw a bunch of sea lions. The water was FREEZING but we still had a great time.

Day three we went to the San Diego Zoo which I loved. My mom is cute and watches the baby Panda online.  She made me call her when I was there because she wanted to see if she could see me on the camera. Haha. The Meerkats were my favorite. When our cat was a kitten we'd turn on Meerkat Manor and he learned how to stand on his hind legs! So the Meerkats reminded us of him. The monkeys were also hilarious! There were three of them and it looked like they were playing tag around this bush. Two kept hiding and the other one would come up smack them and then run away. So cute!

San Diego was just really relaxing and a great time of reconnect with my hubby. We've needed that so it was really nice. San Diego has some good food by the way! Whenever we travel we travel with our stomachs.

Our time in LA was also fun. We literally drove all over LA while we were there. I could NOT handle that traffic or the parking! We went to Hollywood, Sunset Blvd, Melrose, Venice Beach area, Santa Monica, Westwood Village, Beverly Hills, downtown Fashion District, and so much more. I forget what exactly we did on what day. Some places we saw more of but some we just drove by.


On my last day there, I got to meet with three Twitter gals, Ready2Bmom, Kittygirltx, and Misdconception.  It was so good to meet them. Even though we all are goinig through different things, we all can relate to each other. We have the same goal of being a mom. Hopefully this meeting gave us all extra baby dust!

Coming home was really hard, just getting back into the swing of things again, more of the not knowing when our time will come. I'm really hopeful for our future but nervous to start ttc again. Right now I'm hoping that AF comes any day now. Once that starts then I'll go in for one more biopsy to make sure my infection is gone and then we'll start ttc again! Fingers Crossed!

99 Things About Me

I'm sorry I haven't been a great blogger lately. It's been a long week. There hasn't been a lot going on either. I'm just waiting for AF's next visit for another biopsy to make sure the infection is gone. If it is, then we start trying again. I sure hope it is. I'm ready to be done with all of this. Yesterday was the first day in about 5 weeks without any bleeding/spotting. Finally!

I found a new blogger, Launderlife, (she's not new, but I just found her) who had a list of 99 Things about her. I thought that would be a fun, light-hearted Friday post.Check out her post.

99 Things About Me (Everything that I have accomplished is in bold)

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars - plenty of times as a kid
3. Played in a band - I was never in a real band, like a rock band or anything. But I was in band in high school. I started out playing the clarinet and then quickly realized I sucked and switched to percussion. I know I know I'm a band geek.
4. Visited Hawaii - in middle school, but I'd love to go back!
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity - I give to charity but I don't think I could say I give more than I can afford.
7. Been to Disney World - we used to go every year in December. My bday, my bro's bday, and my parents' anniversay are all in Dec, not to mention Christmas.
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped - don't see this happening any time soon :)
12. Visited Paris - I wish!
13. Watched a lightning storm - one of my favorite things to do.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child - No, I'm open to it though. My husband and I have two kids from Malawi that we sponsor though. I love them and love being able to sponsor them. We actually met them while we were there. I remember saying if I care so much about these kids, how much more will I love my own kids.
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty - went a year ago and went as far up as allowed but they opened up the very top the week after we left.
18. Grown your own vegetables - I would love to
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch-hiked - My fam moved to a new city freshman year in High School but my bro and I wanted to go to our old town for a school dance. On our way there our car broke down in Dayton and my bro had the bright idea to hitch hike for help.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill - I've had to take personal days for personal reasons other than being sick. But I've never been one to ditch just for fun.
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping - in high school
27. Run a Marathon - maybe one day...maybe lol
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - seen plenty but the ones that stood out to me were in Hawaii and Africa.
31. Hit a home run -  haha nope. I can't even swing the bat :)
32. Been on a cruise - Bahamas and Mexico
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors - I'm such a mix, I don't even have a clue where I would go
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language - I know a little spanish. I taught myself braille and a little sign language. Learning some basic sign came in handy when my brother met a girl who is deaf. Now they're married. I hope to actually take a class soon.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied - i don't really know how to respond to this. I'm not rich by any means, but shouldn't I be satisfied regardless of how much money I have?
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke - not that anyone enjoyed it lol
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa - one of the best times in my life. We went to Malawi. I will always hold Malawi in my heart. Hopefully one day I'll go back, maybe bring my children there.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight - one of my fave times with my hubby while we were dating. It was the weekend I realized I was falling in love with him.
46. Been transported in an ambulance - hopefully this will never happen
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing - Can you believe I've never even gone fishing?
49. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - one day I hope
50. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling - learned how to scuba in Hawaii but I don't count it because I never actually went scuba diving. But I did go snorkeling there.
51. Kissed in the rain - can't remember but it sounds romantic
52. Played in the mud
53. Gone to a drive-in theater - wish there was one close by. I would love to take my kids to a drive in
54. Been in a movie
55. Visited the Great Wall of China
56. Started a business
57. Taken a martial arts class
58. Visited Russia
59. Served at a soup kitchen - done other things, but never the soup kitchen
60. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - nope but I eat them! mmm Tagalongs :)
61. Gone whale watching
62. Got flowers for no reason
63. Donated blood, platelets or plasma - um I actually have never weighed enough to donate....But until now I'd always passed out from needles so I wouldn't have anyway. Now I've gotten better about not passing out.
64. Gone sky diving
65. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
66. Bounced a check - pretty sure in college I did but can't remember
67. Flown in a helicopter - when my hubby and I were dating we went in a helicopter.
68. Saved a favorite childhood toy - not necessarily a toy, but I still have my baby blanket. In fact, when we lost our baby, I slept with it.
69. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
70. Eaten Caviar
71. Pieced a quilt - Want to! I love quilts. My mom has made some really pretty ones. I would love to work together with her to make one.
72. Stood in Times Square -  my hubby and I went last year for our anniversary. He surprised me. I didn't know we were going there until we were at the airport. That was such a fun trip. We're both foodies and NY has some amazing food!
73. Toured the Everglades
74. Been fired from a job - I was let go as a dental assistant, not because I did anything wrong, but because they hired me thinking they were going to bring on another dentist but they never did so they no longer needed me. The dentist retired a couple months later.
75. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London - We went to London during a LONG layover on the way to Africa. We got to see the guards and the Palace but not the changing of the guards. We were literally running all over London in order to see as much as possible in a very short amount of time.
76. Broken a bone - hope I'm never able to answer yes to this
77. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
78. Seen the Grand Canyon in person - I wish!
79. Published a book
80. Visited the Vatican
81. Bought a brand new car - My hubby and I just bought a new one a couple of weeks ago. I love it!
82. Walked in Jerusalem - another thing I would LOVE to do.
83. Had your picture in the newspaper - i'm sure for something cheesy in HS but nothing important
84. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
85. Visited the White House - saw it from the outside but never went in.
86. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - unfortunately I can say yes to this. In Africa, we went to a market and bought a bunch of food, including a live chicken, and brought everything back to a family in a village. I did not personally kill the chicken. The little boy in the family did. Half way through the chicken got away and ran around with it's head half off....I'm serious, I wanted to throw up. But then we ate it with the family.....
87. Had chickenpox - my hubby hasn't which reminds me that he should get vaccinated!
88. Saved someone’s life
89. Sat on a jury - hopefully never
90. Met someone famous
91. Joined a book club - joined a book club but never went to any meetings or read any of the books lol
92. Got a tattoo
93. Had a baby - Hopefully one day soon I can say yes! I did get pregnant but never held our baby. Matthew Owen is in Heaven where one day I'll meet him.
94. Seen the Alamo in person
95. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
96. Been involved in a law suit
97. Owned a cell phone
98. Been stung by a bee.
99. So for some reason this list of 99 was actually 98 so I'll add a random fact. I would love to do a culinary tour around Italy - better yet Europe in general!

Hope you all have a great weekend and Memorial Day!

Biopsy Results from Hysteroscopy

On Friday, I had a nurse from my RE's office call to tell me the results from the biopsy done during my hysteroscopy. She said the stuff removed was "product of conception" and that the biopsy showed I had an infection called Endometritis. She said it's not a huge deal. I'll be on antibiotics for two weeks. Once my next cycle starts I will go back for another biopsy to see if the infection is gone. When it's gone, then we can start ttc again!

I don't know if it's somewhat common to have leftover placenta and "product of conception" 2 months after a d&c. But for some reason this really frustrated me. Part of me is mad at my OB for leaving it in there. Isn't that the purpose of a d&c, to get everything out??? I thought my OB was really good so I'm not sure why this happened. Perhaps it's common or perhaps she thought it was all out or whatever was left would come out on its own.  I've got an appointment with my RE on Tuesday so I'm planning on asking him his opinion.

I'm frustrated to have an infection. I feel like it's just one more thing. Every time I think I see the end, there's one more thing. I know this issue is not even a big deal, but it just got to me this weekend. My husband keeps telling me this is the last thing. But we've been saying that and there's always one more thing.

What I'm trying to focus on is the fact that I've already had 2 cycles since our miscarriage. Before I got pregnant I wasn't even ovulating on my own let alone getting a period. So that is encouraging.

Anyway, there's my little frustrated rant and I'm done now. I know this isn't that big of a deal at all and it'll all be over soon. :)

My Hysteroscopy Experience

I went in today for my hysteroscopy. Strangely, I was more worried and nervous about my HSG a couple of weeks ago than I was for the hysteroscopy. I was told I'd have anesthesia but not enough to be completely knocked out during the procedure. As soon as they gave it to me, I knocked out and didn't even remember the doctor coming in. However, part way through the procedure I came to and was in a lot of pain. I just remember looking over my shoulder at a nurse and telling her I was in pain. Then I looked at the monitor to see the doctor cutting stuff out of my uterus.

After the procedure ended, they took me back to the recovery room area. I was just trying to relax and wait for the pain meds to kick in while I let my hubby listen to all the doctor had to say. Apparently there was still a decent amount of placenta left in my uterus that was missed during my d&c. It was really weird to me that there was still placenta left in me. He showed my hubby a handful of pictures of my uterus and said that now everything is cleaned up! I have a balloon in me that he'll take out in a week. It's supposed to help protect against more scarring I think.

After a couple of minutes, a nurse brought me crackers and ginger ale. That made me feel a lot better. By the time we left the office either the cramping went away or the pain meds had kicked in. Either way, the pain was gone! I took a 2 hour nap at home and then felt totally fine!

I'm even more excited now that this is over. I feel like we're getting a fresh start. I really hope it won't take us as long this time to get pregnant. The cool thing is, I think my hubby is just as excited for me to get pregnant again. He wants this just as much as I do. It's cute!

Hopeful

I just got back from my pre-op appointment for my Hysteroscopy. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person to be so excited to have this procedure done! I think it's just the timing of it works out so perfectly with insurance and stuff going on in life. Plus to have my uterus cleaned out and looking like a normal healthy uterus is a good thing! I was told I can start TTC again after this cycle, assuming all goes well tomorrow.

My first appointment with this Doctor was in January. My husband and I left the appointment SO excited, up-beat, and hopeful. We knew we had found a great doctor. We were so glad to be seeing a specialist. And, we were really hopeful of our chances to get pregnant. (Little did we know we already were!)

When I left the doctor's office today, I had the same feelings. I was SO excited and hopeful about our future. I feel like I'm in good hands with this doctor. I'm nervous because I don't know how long it'll take us this time. But I'm really hopeful that before too long I'll be pregnant again and just pray that it'll be a healthy full term pregnancy.

There are plenty of fears that try to sneak in, but I'm trying really hard to stay focused on the excited and hopeful feelings. On our way home from the appointment, I saw a billboard for the baby wing of the hospital I will most likely be delivering at. In the past, that would have gotten me a bit bummed because for one I'm not pregnant yet and for two that was the hospital where I had my d&c. But today, it made me hopeful to think that one day I may actually be there to deliver a healthy baby.

Oh what a difference it is to feel this way. The past two months have been really hard on me emotionally. It's great to finally have some HOPE!

Long Awaited Update

I feel like I've been a bad blogger since I started blogging.  Sorry about that. These past two months have been rough. Either I don't have time to blog (but PLENTY to say) or I finally have time to blog and I'm so drained I have no words to write.

My Grandpa's funeral went as well as it could. I miss my Grandpa. He was a great man. But I really enjoyed time with my family. We went through a lot of memories and just had a great time together. My Aunt had a miscarriage years ago and so we had a good heart to heart about it.

Because things have been so busy, I hadn't had much time to think about baby stuff. Plus our RE told me to wait until AF's come 3 times. So there's really not much we can be doing right now anyway. But coming back from the funeral, things are starting to slow down and return more to normal. So now I have more time to think. I really miss being pregnant. I hate thinking about how I'd have a baby in 4 months if I were still pregnant. I don't want to be in the ttc boat again. It makes me nervous thinking about it. How long will it take us this time. But I also have some excitement thinking about it. I am trying to focus more on that. I try to remain hopeful and excited.

Thankfully AF came earlier than expected which means my hysteroscopy will be on Tuesday. I'm not really sure if they are just looking or also cleaning out. They told me after my HSG that I have scarring in my uterus, probably because of the miscarriage and d&c and that's why I need the hysteroscopy. So I'm assuming that they'll be cleaning it up, but we'll see.  Weirdly enough, I'm excited about it. I'm nervous because I don't know what to expect. But excited because it means we're one step closer to a baby! Only one more AF and then we can get started!

My hubby took me to the Melting Pot for dinner last night. We really needed a date and some time away from everything. It was perfect. I feel so much more relaxed now. We haven't been able to even go on a date in awhile. So this was much needed! I'm so thankful for my hubby and how great he's been through all of this. Hopefully now we're on our way out of the "winter" and moving into the "spring."

Wordless Wednesday - My Grandpa

This is an image of servanthood, kindness, humility, love, gentleness, and so much more. You are so loved and so missed Grandpa!

Roller Coaster Ride

It's been 7 weeks since we lost our baby - 7 weeks of emotional hell! I would never wish that pain on anyone. Whenever I hear of someone who is going through a loss, my heart just breaks. I hurt for them. I just want to make it all go away. But I know all too well that there's nothing that will make it any better.

I actually felt like I healed fairly quickly. The first week or two I was actually doing fairly well. I had so much support from my family, friends, and sweet women on Twitter. I am so thankful for that. I know our baby, Matthew Owen, is in Heaven. He will never have to experience pain, sadness, etc. All he will ever know is Heaven and that is the greatest thing I mother could ever want for her child. I am not sad for Matthew. I'm sad for us, for all the hopes and dreams we had, the plans, the milestones we'll never experience, etc.

After those first two weeks I took a major nose dive. I feel like any healing I had done was ruined. The crazy hormone shift that goes on inside of you after a miscarriage is awful! I could go from fine to hysterical in a second for no reason. I felt like I was going crazy! It couldn't be healthy for me to be feeling that way. I kind of wondered if I was experiencing Post partum depression. I didn't want anyone to tell me that was normal. I wanted medicine to take it away!!

I realized, the first couple of weeks I was grieving the loss of our child. After that, I was dealing with the fact that I was back in the ttc boat again and who KNOWS what's ahead of me now. I was so mad at my body. I called my RE's nurse and she told me that once AF comes, my hormones would level out. Well AF came this weekend and with her came sweet relief. I finally feel like the wild emotional ride is over.

My break was very short lived. I found out Saturday while visiting my parents (after having a much needed laugh fest with my mom) that my Grandpa was having a major heart attack. Since then he's been on his own roller coaster ride. One minute he looks like he could go and the next minute he's lucid and improving. At this moment he's looking better but still not good.

I just feel like I can't get a break. There's a bunch of other stuff going on too that I'm not really ready to talk about. But it's just overwhelming! I'm tired! I'm tired of all this stuff going wrong! I need a break! When will things start going right again???

My husband told me today that he felt like we're in a "winter" and that spring comes after the winter. He really feels like we're about to turn a corner into spring. I really hope so. With spring comes new life! I'm really trying to look at the positives and the good things going on in our lives. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm glad to have a hubby that is so encouraging. I hope spring comes soon.

Wordless Wednesday - He's Going to be A Great Dad

My First Wordless Wednesday! A lesson in Joy

While in Africa, they showed us how to have joy despite our circumstances. I'm trying!

Drowning

My husband and I have been reading a great book called Grieving the Child I Never Knew. It has been really helpful, especially for me. I feel like the author is in my head at certain points. It makes sense though, she tried for many years to get pregnant, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, adopted a son, lost a child very soon after birth, and then had several more miscarriages. Finally after a long time trying, she gave birth to a healthy child. If anyone knows what I'm going through it's her. It's good hearing that my thoughts and feelings are normal and to have some hope that it's not always going to be this way.

Anyway, the section we read last night was title Drowning in a sea of whys. I have so many questions for God, many of which I wonder if I'll ever find answers to. Here are some of my questions:

• Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant and yet it took me a long time to get pregnant?
• Why did you allow me to get pregnant only for child to die?
• Why are there so many people around me with babies or babies on the way? Can I not get a break from having to be surrounded with it?
• Why did you give me the desire to be a mom so early if you knew I wasn't going to be able to have kids for awhile?
• When will my hormones level out so I'm not so emotional all the time?  
• Will my body kick in to gear now that I've been pregnant once or will it still take me awhile to get pregnant again?
• Will my next baby go full term and be healthy?
• When will I get to hold my baby in my arms, look at it's precious face, learn his/her characteristics, which him/her grow, etc?
• What is my purpose?! I know big one lol :) I feel like I don't even know who I am right now, what interests me, or anything. I'm sure that's grief but still...

I'm so tired of the roller coaster of emotions. One day I'm doing really well and the next I'm just depressed, crying, and there's no getting me out of it. I hate the hormonal change going on inside of me right now. And yet I want it to be happening. I want my body to level out and for AF to come asap so that we can get started with our next steps.

I totally feel like I'm drowning right now. There's so much going on in my life right now, even more than baby stuff. I just want a break! Being an adult can be no fun at times. I know that God has a plan for us and that it's good. But right now I feel like that's so far off.

I'm just tired....

My Favorite Date with my Hubs

Things have been a little rough lately.  I know I'll gripe more about ttc stuff through this blog later. I have lots I want to say. But today, I really just want to get some positives back in my life. I've been so thankful for my hubby through all of this, so I'm going to go down memory lane and share one of my favorite dates.

My hubby has taken me on plenty of dates both simple and grand. Those dates were all fun and I loved them.  But there's one date that just makes me smile.

When we were still dating and months before his birthday, I asked him what his dream date would be. The answer I got was definitely not expected. He said he wants a home cooked meal and then to do something fun and crazy like a massive food fight....ummm ok?!  So for his birthday I surprised him by cooking dinner for him and then setting up a massive food fight.

Dinner was yummy...homemade pepper steak. 

I had the food fight all planned out. First I would make him close his eyes, then put a garbage bag poncho on us to keep us both clean, and then I'd slam a whipped cream pie in his face to get things started. He'd open his eyes to find two stations, one for him and one for me. Each station has all different foods, whipped cream, pudding, jello, Cheez Whiz, etc. We'd both be at our own stations and just throw stuff at each other.

Instead, after I slammed a whipped cream pie in his face, war broke out. There were no rules except get the other person as messy as possible! It was a MESS!! But so much fun. I was COVERED in Cheez Whiz! I couldn't even open my eyes!  I'm pretty sure I was way worse off than he was. We were both laughing while my dog ran around eating up all the thrown food.

I loved this date because it just shows me how much fun we can have together. Things are super stressful right now. Sometimes we forget to just take a step back and enjoy life. I don't want to miss out on anything.

I would love to hear about your favorite dates with your hubby. If you're willing to share, either leave a comment or message me on Twitter. Better yet, write about it on your blog and leave the link in my comments!

Wanna know more about WannabeMom?

You all finally talked me into starting a blog, so here I am!!  I figure most people who will read my blog know me as Wannabemom from Twitter. If so, you already know a little about all the baby stuff going on with me. So for my first post, I'll tell you more about all the non baby stuff in my life.

I moved around a lot growing up so I depended a lot on my family. So if you ever meet me, you'll quickly discover how much of a family person I am. My parents have been married over 30 years and I have a brother 2 years older than me.

In middle school I was a nerd. Freshman year of high school I became a bigger nerd. The rest of the time in high school I was a band geek. Then in college I leveled out haha :)  I've always been given a hard time because of my appearance. I'm 5'0 - short, skinny, and I look like I'm about 14, and that's giving me a couple of years. My mom was the same way.

I went to college in Ohio and even though I didn't go to Ohio State, I'm a Buckeye fan all the way! I met my husband while spending a summer in Florida.  We had our first date the day before I had to leave and we were long distance the rest of the time we dated. We got married in June 2005.

I've always had a thing for Africa. I've wanted to go there since I was in 6th grade. My husband and I had the opportunity to go a couple of years ago. We went to Malawi Africa, where Madonna adopted her children from. It was the best experience of my entire life. I will never forget my time there and especially the people. They touched my heart in a special way. I could go on and on but that's another blog.

I love animals, especially my furbaby cat, Samson. I love to cook and especially love to bake. Wanna swap recipes?!  My husband and I consider ourselves foodies.  When we travel, which we also love to do, we tour the town through the food. Even in Mexico while on a cruise we took a cooking class.

OK that's plenty long enough for my first post. Anything you want to know about me? Leave a comment or message me on Twitter and I'll answer any questions. I'm excited to finally be blogging!