Two Week Wait

I'm now halfway through my first two week wait in about 9 months. It sucks!

I try so hard not to dwell on all of the little symptoms. But as you all know it's SO hard not to! Am I tired because there's a baby growing in me or because I got like 4 hours of sleep Sunday night and it threw me off for the rest of the week? Is it because AF is on her way that I'm having so many food cravings, baby, or just random? Then there's the dreams. The day I ovulated I had a dream that I had a baby, actually saw HER face and knew her name. I've never had such a detailed dream about a baby. Is that a sign or a coincidence? Since then, I've had at least 3 nursing dreams. The last time I had nursing dreams was when I was pregnant. Coincidence?

One day I'm convinced I'm pregnant. The next day I'm convinced I'm not. Why do I think SO much about all of this? Why can't I just turn off my brain for once?

One more week of this......

Endometrial Biopsy

Today was my endometrial biopsy to see if my infection/inflammation is gone. I won't find out the results for another week.

The doctor said it would like a pap smear so I didn't think anything of it. I wish I would have asked around because it was no pap smear! Lol. He said he was doing something to numb me but it didn't help. I felt everything! At first just a tear - then sobs. :) It hurt so bad. Afterwards I thought I was going to throw up, but didn't. So I started to head out when all of a sudden I started blacking out. So I told the sweetest nurse ever who helped me lay down. Apparently I don't handle pain well. I guess that means I'll be using an epidural :)

I've been really good lately. I'm growing/healing, feeling more myself, and having fun! But today I was bummed. I'm so tired of all this crap. Why are so many of us having to go on this long and painful journey - both emotional and physical - while others get pregnant on their first try? Just doesn't make sense.

I'm just tired, physically from lack of sleep, tired of waiting, tired of a roller coaster, tired of hurting, just tired! I'm so ready to get pregnant again. I pray it happens soon.

It still hurts!

It's been about 3.5 months since we lost our baby. I feel like people think I should be moving on by now, which is probably coming more from my mind than from anyone else. My friends understand and they're there for me but I just feel like they get tired of listening to me talk about it. (I'm sure that's not actually the case though.) I just don't like being the downer.

I have more good days than bad now. But I definitely have my bad days. I just wish my baby was still in my belly and I'd be meeting him in just a few months! AF is here now and I'm not sure if I've been so down because of her, if this is normal, or if there's something wrong and I should go talk to someone about it.

I have so many friends who are pregnant right now. Some are due around the time that I was due. It's so hard to see them pregnant, their bellies growing, hear about the baby moving, finding out genders, and starting to have baby showers. That's where I should be!

I also have a bunch of friends who are around the 13 weeks point in their pregnancy. Surprisingly that is also really hard for me. That's when I lost the baby. I would NEVER EVER wish our situation on anyone. It's just really hard to see them going to their 13 wk appt and getting good news at the end of it. That's all I wanted at that appointment but instead our nightmare started.

The other reason I think it's been hard is because we haven't even been able to start trying. I'm still held back from this miscarriage. I want to move on but I can't until I'm told my infection is gone. I can't wait to start trying but at the same time, I'm terrified to ttc because I don't know what to expect. Will it take a long time again? Will I actually be able to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby?

I'm normally a very hopeful person. I'm always the one who expected the best and had faith that in the end everything would work out. But right now I'm afraid to be hopeful because I don't want to be let down again. 

I feel like I'm letting my circumstances determine my happiness but I want to be happy regardless of what's going on - to be happy right where I'm at! I don't want it to seem like the world revolves around me or that my friends can't be excited around me for their own babies/pregnancies. I just want to be me again and to be HAPPY!

I don't want to wait!

Almost immediately after posting my last post, I got the call from my RE to schedule the appointment to see if the infection is gone. Apparently, that test is done at the end of the cycle, not the beginning which is what I thought I had been told. So, now I have to wait another cycle to try to get pregnant.

This shouldn't be a big deal. What's one more month, right? But this has really discouraged me. I just feel like I'll start to get a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel and then it gets pushed back even more. I'm just getting really tired of the wait! (Aren't we all!) I think it scares me a little because we're getting closer and closer to our old due date. While I've tried not to set any expectations on us, it would be really hard for me to not be pregnant by then. But now we'll pretty much only have one chance before then.

I'm sure part of this is hormones. I'm trying to focus on all of the good stuff going on with us. My hubby has a  new job. I'm at least getting periods! That wasn't even happening before. It's only another month and then we can try. I have so much to be thankful for. There are so many people going through even harder situations, that I feel bad getting so frustrated about this.

I'll think of all the positives yet this has me so discouraged that all I want to do is cry! I try to be hopeful and  yet in the back of my mind, I'm kind of expecting the worst. Not to mention now pretty much all of my friends either have a kid(s) or are pregnant! I can't go anywhere to get away from it. I just don't know how to get myself out of this funk.