Almost a Year Later

I can't believe it's been almost a year since we lost our baby. The anniversary of my d&c is on March 10. So much has happened since then, and yet so little. I'm still sitting here missing my baby and wishing getting pregnant wasn't so difficult for me when it's so easy for so many other people.  In the past year, 8 of my good friends had babies (and several other pregnancies), my sister-in-law had her 3rd baby, my grandfather passed away, I quit my job, my husband got a new job, we went to California, I had 2 HSGs, 1 hysteroscopy, 1 failed natural cycle, 2 failed medicated cycles, and 2 failed IUIs.

We decided to take the month of December off to enjoy the holidays. Part of me hoped this December would turn out the same way as the previous December, with a miraculous surprise pregnancy. But my body yet again forgot how to ovulate. I waited and waited and waited and AF never came. My RE put me on Prometrium which I've never tried before. Over two weeks later, just when I was giving up hope of it working, AF started.

In January, my RE gave me two options: a laparoscopy to get rid of my endometriosis followed by more aggressive meds which he didn't favor due to the risk of twins (on my small frame), or In-vitro. After debating for a long time, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start planning for IVF. But we also wanted to try just one more cycle more naturally - ok well not quite natural, still on Clomid and ovidrel (due to my body's forgetfulness on how to ovulate). We were going to do that this cycle. However, at my cd2 ovary scan, I found out I have a rather large cyst. Looks like I'm on birth control for the next month to get this under control.

I was annoyed but not too upset. I still had to do another HSG before IVF to make sure my uterus (and tubes) were clear. They were. But, it turns out that my uterus is abnormally shaped, either a septate uterus or bicornuate uterus. Almost a year after my miscarriage, we find out what quite possibly could have caused it. Upon seeing this, my RE tells me that I know really should do the laparoscopy next so he can fix the shape of my uterus thus allowing me to carry future babies.

So here I am, scheduled to fix the possible cause of my miscarriage exactly a week before the anniversary. I'm sad it's been a year and I still don't have a baby in my arms or even in my womb. But I feel really hopeful about the laparoscopy. For the first time in a year, I feel hopeful and excited! This past year was beyond difficult for me. But hopefully this next year will bring better things - maybe even a baby!

Relaxing - or Trying To

I've been a really bad blogger lately.

I know it helps a lot of people to write about what's going on. But for me, I'm trying to think of ttc stuff a little less. I'm trying to "relax" as much as possible.

I quit my job a couple of weeks ago. You may think I'd think of ttc stuff more now with all my free time. Instead, it's giving me more time to focus on the things I enjoy so I've spent less time dwelling on infertility.

Here's a quick update, I took 25mg Clomid this month instead of Femara. I had a MUCH better experience - no migraines! I took my Ovidrel shot yesterday so right now my ovaries feel like they're about to explode!

I'm not really looking forward to the 2 week wait but I'm trying to be hopeful of the outcome. We'll see! Hopefully this is our month!!!!

Finally an Update

I've been a bad blogger. I'm sorry.

I took my Ovidrel shot on Saturday. I hate needles so even though this needle is so tiny, I was so afraid to get the shot. I think it was mostly because it was my hubby giving it to me and not a nurse. But he did a good job and it was painless. So that means that I should be ovulating today if I haven't already. I go on Friday for a progesterone blood test.

What would have been Matthew's due date is on Friday. I'm taking the day off work, just to have a day to myself. I'm not feeling too upset. Maybe it'll hit me more on Friday. It's just weird for me to think that I could have been bringing home a baby any day now. Instead of having a baby on Friday, I'm going in for a blood test to see if I even ovulated. My hubby is taking me out for dinner, along with my BF and her hubby, jut to acknowledge the day. What do you do on a would-have-been-due-date? Pretend that it's just a normal day? It isn't really. Make a big to do? I don't really want that. It's just a weird day. I'd kind of like to just skip over it.

I put my two weeks in at my job last Thursday. So my last two weeks of work are lining right up with my two week wait. I'm kind of looking forward to some time off. I may still get a part time job, just for the money. But whatever I do will be low key. I'm so thankful that we are in a position where I can do this.

My thoughts today are with Lisa who is finally going to be bringing her son home after a long journey. I am so excited for her.

Next Steps

With AF coming on Tuesday, my husband and I decided the best thing for us to do at this point is go back to the RE and get started on a plan. The thing is, as far as I know I'm ovulating. Tracking pointed towards it, my OPK came back positive, and then 13 days later AF came. I debated for awhile getting started back on meds. If I'm ovulating, what's the point. But my hubby and I decided that we really felt that was best for us.

My cycles are on the longer side (but nowhere near as long as before). I didn't even ovulate last month until cd24 I think. So each cycle that doesn't give me a bfp means I have to wait even longer. Plus, I just want to be under the doctor's watch and care.

When I went to the RE he was so good. Everytime I go I'm just so thankful to have such a good doctor. He did a wonderful job explaining to me what the plan was and what the medicine would actually be doing for me. He even drew me pictures (upside down too lol). I felt such at ease like we had made the right decision.

Today is cd3 and I've already taken my first dose of Femara. I go back next Thursday for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. If all looks right then I'll be taking my Ovidrel shot and get on with the BDing! lol

I feel really hopeful about this cycle. This weekend will probably go by fast and before we know it we'll be back in the 2 week wait. I'm not touching my thermometer this time. It makes me crazy! I'm excited to see what this cycle brings, hopefully a bfp, but it's good to just have a plan again and be under the doctor's care.

Not This Month

BFN.

We were so sure that this was our month. I was afraid of a bfn but I really didn't think it would happen. 

I'm not sure why I'm SO discouraged by this. It was only our first try after the miscarriage. But I really just thought that this was our month. I'm finally ovulating, which was the problem before. So I kind of hoped that I'd be one of those people that could get pregnant on my first try after a miscarriage. But that's not the case.

It's also really hard because what would have been Matthew's due date is Sept 17. I prayed SO hard that I'd be pregnant by then. I know that day is going to be hard but knowing that I was pregnant again would make it at least a little easier.

After we were given the go ahead to start trying again, we were told we could start on meds or try it naturally for awhile. This month we tried naturally. I wanted to say my body could do it on it's own. And maybe it still can but how much longer is it going to take? My cycles aren't the 28 day cycles. They're kinda long. So each cycle that fails takes that much more time away.

I called my RE today about getting a plan started for going forward.  I think he told me before that I'd be going on Femara and maybe a shot (not sure which one) to start with. I'm waiting for his nurse to call back so we'll see what they say about going forward.

I know it's AF's emotions and I'll be fine either later today or in the next day or so. I'm just really disappointed right now. It's so great to have a hubby and Twitter/blog friends who understand and let me mope for a bit. I'm glad no one was at work when I got in because I definitely had a cry fest for a minute. Hopefully this day goes by fast.

Endometrial Biopsy

Today was my endometrial biopsy to see if my infection/inflammation is gone. I won't find out the results for another week.

The doctor said it would like a pap smear so I didn't think anything of it. I wish I would have asked around because it was no pap smear! Lol. He said he was doing something to numb me but it didn't help. I felt everything! At first just a tear - then sobs. :) It hurt so bad. Afterwards I thought I was going to throw up, but didn't. So I started to head out when all of a sudden I started blacking out. So I told the sweetest nurse ever who helped me lay down. Apparently I don't handle pain well. I guess that means I'll be using an epidural :)

I've been really good lately. I'm growing/healing, feeling more myself, and having fun! But today I was bummed. I'm so tired of all this crap. Why are so many of us having to go on this long and painful journey - both emotional and physical - while others get pregnant on their first try? Just doesn't make sense.

I'm just tired, physically from lack of sleep, tired of waiting, tired of a roller coaster, tired of hurting, just tired! I'm so ready to get pregnant again. I pray it happens soon.

Roller Coaster Ride

It's been 7 weeks since we lost our baby - 7 weeks of emotional hell! I would never wish that pain on anyone. Whenever I hear of someone who is going through a loss, my heart just breaks. I hurt for them. I just want to make it all go away. But I know all too well that there's nothing that will make it any better.

I actually felt like I healed fairly quickly. The first week or two I was actually doing fairly well. I had so much support from my family, friends, and sweet women on Twitter. I am so thankful for that. I know our baby, Matthew Owen, is in Heaven. He will never have to experience pain, sadness, etc. All he will ever know is Heaven and that is the greatest thing I mother could ever want for her child. I am not sad for Matthew. I'm sad for us, for all the hopes and dreams we had, the plans, the milestones we'll never experience, etc.

After those first two weeks I took a major nose dive. I feel like any healing I had done was ruined. The crazy hormone shift that goes on inside of you after a miscarriage is awful! I could go from fine to hysterical in a second for no reason. I felt like I was going crazy! It couldn't be healthy for me to be feeling that way. I kind of wondered if I was experiencing Post partum depression. I didn't want anyone to tell me that was normal. I wanted medicine to take it away!!

I realized, the first couple of weeks I was grieving the loss of our child. After that, I was dealing with the fact that I was back in the ttc boat again and who KNOWS what's ahead of me now. I was so mad at my body. I called my RE's nurse and she told me that once AF comes, my hormones would level out. Well AF came this weekend and with her came sweet relief. I finally feel like the wild emotional ride is over.

My break was very short lived. I found out Saturday while visiting my parents (after having a much needed laugh fest with my mom) that my Grandpa was having a major heart attack. Since then he's been on his own roller coaster ride. One minute he looks like he could go and the next minute he's lucid and improving. At this moment he's looking better but still not good.

I just feel like I can't get a break. There's a bunch of other stuff going on too that I'm not really ready to talk about. But it's just overwhelming! I'm tired! I'm tired of all this stuff going wrong! I need a break! When will things start going right again???

My husband told me today that he felt like we're in a "winter" and that spring comes after the winter. He really feels like we're about to turn a corner into spring. I really hope so. With spring comes new life! I'm really trying to look at the positives and the good things going on in our lives. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm glad to have a hubby that is so encouraging. I hope spring comes soon.

Drowning

My husband and I have been reading a great book called Grieving the Child I Never Knew. It has been really helpful, especially for me. I feel like the author is in my head at certain points. It makes sense though, she tried for many years to get pregnant, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, adopted a son, lost a child very soon after birth, and then had several more miscarriages. Finally after a long time trying, she gave birth to a healthy child. If anyone knows what I'm going through it's her. It's good hearing that my thoughts and feelings are normal and to have some hope that it's not always going to be this way.

Anyway, the section we read last night was title Drowning in a sea of whys. I have so many questions for God, many of which I wonder if I'll ever find answers to. Here are some of my questions:

• Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant and yet it took me a long time to get pregnant?
• Why did you allow me to get pregnant only for child to die?
• Why are there so many people around me with babies or babies on the way? Can I not get a break from having to be surrounded with it?
• Why did you give me the desire to be a mom so early if you knew I wasn't going to be able to have kids for awhile?
• When will my hormones level out so I'm not so emotional all the time?  
• Will my body kick in to gear now that I've been pregnant once or will it still take me awhile to get pregnant again?
• Will my next baby go full term and be healthy?
• When will I get to hold my baby in my arms, look at it's precious face, learn his/her characteristics, which him/her grow, etc?
• What is my purpose?! I know big one lol :) I feel like I don't even know who I am right now, what interests me, or anything. I'm sure that's grief but still...

I'm so tired of the roller coaster of emotions. One day I'm doing really well and the next I'm just depressed, crying, and there's no getting me out of it. I hate the hormonal change going on inside of me right now. And yet I want it to be happening. I want my body to level out and for AF to come asap so that we can get started with our next steps.

I totally feel like I'm drowning right now. There's so much going on in my life right now, even more than baby stuff. I just want a break! Being an adult can be no fun at times. I know that God has a plan for us and that it's good. But right now I feel like that's so far off.

I'm just tired....