Next Steps

I haven't written much at all since November. I feel bad, but a break has been good. Plus, there hasn't been much to write about since then. We took the month of December off and then my body thought I was taking the month of January off as well because AF just wouldn't come. Then February I was forced to take a month off because of a cyst. Now it's March and I still have to take a month off to let my body heal from the laparoscopy. It's been nice to have a little mental break from all that comes with trying to get pregnant. But I hate having to wait.

The laparoscopy went really well. I don't feel like my recovery was that bad. Sure the day or two after wasn't fun but I expected that. My biggest complaint was the gas pains in my shoulder and not being able to wear anything but stretchy pants because my lower incision was tender.

Last week we had our post-op appointment and it went really well. My doctor is really hopeful for us. He got rid of my endometriosis, got rid of a few cysts, and fixed my uterus. He had given me a dvd of the surgery and it was really cool! He showed me my uterus, what was wrong with it, and then showed how he fixed it. It really helped me to understand what was going on. Basically, I had a section of my uterus that had a septum which has no blood flow. So he used scissors to snip away at it until he could see the blood start to flow. The reason why this is important is if a baby tried to implant there, it wouldn't get any blood flow and it would die. Thank goodness he was able to fix it!

When we were given our options back in January, he told us either IVF or a laparoscopy and injectibles. This time he told us that he really wants to give Clomid and Ovidrel with IUIs a couple more tries. He doesn't want to use injectibles because of the risk of multiples for my body. So that's the plan. Once AF comes we will proceed!

As much as I want a baby, I'm nervous about getting started ttc again. I'm not sure that I'm ready for the emotional (and hormonal) roller-coaster that goes along with it. But oh well, this time I'm going in with a little more hope. We'll see what happens!

Almost a Year Later

I can't believe it's been almost a year since we lost our baby. The anniversary of my d&c is on March 10. So much has happened since then, and yet so little. I'm still sitting here missing my baby and wishing getting pregnant wasn't so difficult for me when it's so easy for so many other people.  In the past year, 8 of my good friends had babies (and several other pregnancies), my sister-in-law had her 3rd baby, my grandfather passed away, I quit my job, my husband got a new job, we went to California, I had 2 HSGs, 1 hysteroscopy, 1 failed natural cycle, 2 failed medicated cycles, and 2 failed IUIs.

We decided to take the month of December off to enjoy the holidays. Part of me hoped this December would turn out the same way as the previous December, with a miraculous surprise pregnancy. But my body yet again forgot how to ovulate. I waited and waited and waited and AF never came. My RE put me on Prometrium which I've never tried before. Over two weeks later, just when I was giving up hope of it working, AF started.

In January, my RE gave me two options: a laparoscopy to get rid of my endometriosis followed by more aggressive meds which he didn't favor due to the risk of twins (on my small frame), or In-vitro. After debating for a long time, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start planning for IVF. But we also wanted to try just one more cycle more naturally - ok well not quite natural, still on Clomid and ovidrel (due to my body's forgetfulness on how to ovulate). We were going to do that this cycle. However, at my cd2 ovary scan, I found out I have a rather large cyst. Looks like I'm on birth control for the next month to get this under control.

I was annoyed but not too upset. I still had to do another HSG before IVF to make sure my uterus (and tubes) were clear. They were. But, it turns out that my uterus is abnormally shaped, either a septate uterus or bicornuate uterus. Almost a year after my miscarriage, we find out what quite possibly could have caused it. Upon seeing this, my RE tells me that I know really should do the laparoscopy next so he can fix the shape of my uterus thus allowing me to carry future babies.

So here I am, scheduled to fix the possible cause of my miscarriage exactly a week before the anniversary. I'm sad it's been a year and I still don't have a baby in my arms or even in my womb. But I feel really hopeful about the laparoscopy. For the first time in a year, I feel hopeful and excited! This past year was beyond difficult for me. But hopefully this next year will bring better things - maybe even a baby!

My Due Date

If I hadn't had the miscarriage, today would have been the due date.

For months I dreaded this day. I prayed so hard that I'd be pregnant by now. I wondered how I would get through this day not pregnant.

And now the day is here. I'm not really sure what to think. I'm surprisingly not sad. I just think it's crazy that I would've been having my baby any day now. Sometimes I sit and think about how different our life would be right now.

Obviously I wish I was still pregnant and praying that Matthew would be making his debut very soon. I can't wait to meet him someday, to see what he looks like, and to tell him I love him.

But today I'm I actually okay, surprisingly hopeful. I took a personal day and I'm glad I did. It has been nice to have some alone time. I am hopeful for our future, that we will get pregnant again and have healthy children. But Matthew will always be in my heart! I miss him.

Next Steps

With AF coming on Tuesday, my husband and I decided the best thing for us to do at this point is go back to the RE and get started on a plan. The thing is, as far as I know I'm ovulating. Tracking pointed towards it, my OPK came back positive, and then 13 days later AF came. I debated for awhile getting started back on meds. If I'm ovulating, what's the point. But my hubby and I decided that we really felt that was best for us.

My cycles are on the longer side (but nowhere near as long as before). I didn't even ovulate last month until cd24 I think. So each cycle that doesn't give me a bfp means I have to wait even longer. Plus, I just want to be under the doctor's watch and care.

When I went to the RE he was so good. Everytime I go I'm just so thankful to have such a good doctor. He did a wonderful job explaining to me what the plan was and what the medicine would actually be doing for me. He even drew me pictures (upside down too lol). I felt such at ease like we had made the right decision.

Today is cd3 and I've already taken my first dose of Femara. I go back next Thursday for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. If all looks right then I'll be taking my Ovidrel shot and get on with the BDing! lol

I feel really hopeful about this cycle. This weekend will probably go by fast and before we know it we'll be back in the 2 week wait. I'm not touching my thermometer this time. It makes me crazy! I'm excited to see what this cycle brings, hopefully a bfp, but it's good to just have a plan again and be under the doctor's care.

New Blog Friday!!

Yay! Aly from The Infertility Overachievers is featuring my blog for her New Blog Friday. I'm really excited to have the opportunity to meet new people. Thanks Aly!

If you want to know a little more about me, check out this post. I already gave a quick background so I'm not going to repeat myself. Instead I'm going to give a little update with where we're at now.

For the past 4 months since our miscarriage, I haven't really let myself look towards the future and plan for our next baby. Now that we're finally cleared to start ttc again, I've finally started letting myself dream! I'm thinking about names, nicknames, nursery decor, and I've even had dreams about being pregnant again.

It's weird to me to be starting over. At first I think I felt that by dreaming about our next baby, I was setting aside and almost trying to forget about the baby we lost. But I can't look at it like that. I will never forget Matthew Owen and I know there will be times that I think of him and even cry and that's ok. But I have to be able to move forward and prepare for our next baby.

I'm having fun thinking of nursery decor. I'm convinced our next child is a girl but who knows maybe that feeling will change when we actually get pregnant. And maybe it's completely wrong altogether. We'll see! All I know is that decorating a nursery is going to be a lot of fun!! Here's a quick glimpse into my head:

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I'm excited, hopeful, and I just have really good feelings about our future.  My husband and I really feel like we'll be pregnant again soon.  I'm just praying hard that the next pregnancy is a healthy pregnancy, no complications, and that the baby will be born healthy and full term!

Thanks for checking out my blog! Leave me a comment. I'd love to meet new people!

Hopeful

I just got back from my pre-op appointment for my Hysteroscopy. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person to be so excited to have this procedure done! I think it's just the timing of it works out so perfectly with insurance and stuff going on in life. Plus to have my uterus cleaned out and looking like a normal healthy uterus is a good thing! I was told I can start TTC again after this cycle, assuming all goes well tomorrow.

My first appointment with this Doctor was in January. My husband and I left the appointment SO excited, up-beat, and hopeful. We knew we had found a great doctor. We were so glad to be seeing a specialist. And, we were really hopeful of our chances to get pregnant. (Little did we know we already were!)

When I left the doctor's office today, I had the same feelings. I was SO excited and hopeful about our future. I feel like I'm in good hands with this doctor. I'm nervous because I don't know how long it'll take us this time. But I'm really hopeful that before too long I'll be pregnant again and just pray that it'll be a healthy full term pregnancy.

There are plenty of fears that try to sneak in, but I'm trying really hard to stay focused on the excited and hopeful feelings. On our way home from the appointment, I saw a billboard for the baby wing of the hospital I will most likely be delivering at. In the past, that would have gotten me a bit bummed because for one I'm not pregnant yet and for two that was the hospital where I had my d&c. But today, it made me hopeful to think that one day I may actually be there to deliver a healthy baby.

Oh what a difference it is to feel this way. The past two months have been really hard on me emotionally. It's great to finally have some HOPE!