Almost a Year Later

I can't believe it's been almost a year since we lost our baby. The anniversary of my d&c is on March 10. So much has happened since then, and yet so little. I'm still sitting here missing my baby and wishing getting pregnant wasn't so difficult for me when it's so easy for so many other people.  In the past year, 8 of my good friends had babies (and several other pregnancies), my sister-in-law had her 3rd baby, my grandfather passed away, I quit my job, my husband got a new job, we went to California, I had 2 HSGs, 1 hysteroscopy, 1 failed natural cycle, 2 failed medicated cycles, and 2 failed IUIs.

We decided to take the month of December off to enjoy the holidays. Part of me hoped this December would turn out the same way as the previous December, with a miraculous surprise pregnancy. But my body yet again forgot how to ovulate. I waited and waited and waited and AF never came. My RE put me on Prometrium which I've never tried before. Over two weeks later, just when I was giving up hope of it working, AF started.

In January, my RE gave me two options: a laparoscopy to get rid of my endometriosis followed by more aggressive meds which he didn't favor due to the risk of twins (on my small frame), or In-vitro. After debating for a long time, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start planning for IVF. But we also wanted to try just one more cycle more naturally - ok well not quite natural, still on Clomid and ovidrel (due to my body's forgetfulness on how to ovulate). We were going to do that this cycle. However, at my cd2 ovary scan, I found out I have a rather large cyst. Looks like I'm on birth control for the next month to get this under control.

I was annoyed but not too upset. I still had to do another HSG before IVF to make sure my uterus (and tubes) were clear. They were. But, it turns out that my uterus is abnormally shaped, either a septate uterus or bicornuate uterus. Almost a year after my miscarriage, we find out what quite possibly could have caused it. Upon seeing this, my RE tells me that I know really should do the laparoscopy next so he can fix the shape of my uterus thus allowing me to carry future babies.

So here I am, scheduled to fix the possible cause of my miscarriage exactly a week before the anniversary. I'm sad it's been a year and I still don't have a baby in my arms or even in my womb. But I feel really hopeful about the laparoscopy. For the first time in a year, I feel hopeful and excited! This past year was beyond difficult for me. But hopefully this next year will bring better things - maybe even a baby!

New Blog Friday!!

Yay! Aly from The Infertility Overachievers is featuring my blog for her New Blog Friday. I'm really excited to have the opportunity to meet new people. Thanks Aly!

If you want to know a little more about me, check out this post. I already gave a quick background so I'm not going to repeat myself. Instead I'm going to give a little update with where we're at now.

For the past 4 months since our miscarriage, I haven't really let myself look towards the future and plan for our next baby. Now that we're finally cleared to start ttc again, I've finally started letting myself dream! I'm thinking about names, nicknames, nursery decor, and I've even had dreams about being pregnant again.

It's weird to me to be starting over. At first I think I felt that by dreaming about our next baby, I was setting aside and almost trying to forget about the baby we lost. But I can't look at it like that. I will never forget Matthew Owen and I know there will be times that I think of him and even cry and that's ok. But I have to be able to move forward and prepare for our next baby.

I'm having fun thinking of nursery decor. I'm convinced our next child is a girl but who knows maybe that feeling will change when we actually get pregnant. And maybe it's completely wrong altogether. We'll see! All I know is that decorating a nursery is going to be a lot of fun!! Here's a quick glimpse into my head:

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I'm excited, hopeful, and I just have really good feelings about our future.  My husband and I really feel like we'll be pregnant again soon.  I'm just praying hard that the next pregnancy is a healthy pregnancy, no complications, and that the baby will be born healthy and full term!

Thanks for checking out my blog! Leave me a comment. I'd love to meet new people!

A Healthy Appreciation

During our time of wanting kids, I've seen a lot of my friends/family also start their families. (Most of my friends got pregnant on their first try too, if they were even trying.) It's been really interesting for me to see them during pregnancy and then as they become parents. Watching them, is helping me prepare to be a mom. I hope I'm a good mom!

I've seen pregnant friends enjoy every minute, even the rough times, knowing that they have a baby inside of them. I've seen other women go through pregnancy complaining about everything along the way. I know that pregnancy can be really hard. I went through the first trimester and honestly it was hard for me: throwing up, constantly nauseous, barely able to eat anything, watching my body change (although some of that was good lol), etc. But I assumed that meant my baby was healthy and growing inside of me. I knew that time would pass and in the end all that mattered was a healthy baby. I can't WAIT until the day I'm experiencing that again.

I've also watched my friends/family become parents. Some people make it seem like it's so hard it's a burden, while others make it seem like a joy. I love my sister in law. She's a great mom. In fact, she's the one that got me all excited to be a mom. I know it's a lot of work for her; she doesn't hide that. But you can just see how much she loves her kids and being a mom. She may be tired, but I don't think I've ever heard her complain about parenthood.

I don't want it to come across that parents aren't allowed to be honest about what they're going through. I know being pregnant can be hard and I know parenting is a lot of work. Even though I absolutely love being around kids, like my niece and nephew, I'm always exhausted afterward. lol But there's a difference to me between venting your day and just complaining.

I feel like so many of us have said, because of our journey, we're going to be so appreciative of our pregnancy and of our kids. Do we say now that we'll be different but as soon as that baby pops out will we just start complaining about how hard it is? How will we get through the rough times without making it seem like parenthood is a burden? What can we do to help remind ourselves of where we've come from and how appreciative we are of those babies?