Almost a Year Later

I can't believe it's been almost a year since we lost our baby. The anniversary of my d&c is on March 10. So much has happened since then, and yet so little. I'm still sitting here missing my baby and wishing getting pregnant wasn't so difficult for me when it's so easy for so many other people.  In the past year, 8 of my good friends had babies (and several other pregnancies), my sister-in-law had her 3rd baby, my grandfather passed away, I quit my job, my husband got a new job, we went to California, I had 2 HSGs, 1 hysteroscopy, 1 failed natural cycle, 2 failed medicated cycles, and 2 failed IUIs.

We decided to take the month of December off to enjoy the holidays. Part of me hoped this December would turn out the same way as the previous December, with a miraculous surprise pregnancy. But my body yet again forgot how to ovulate. I waited and waited and waited and AF never came. My RE put me on Prometrium which I've never tried before. Over two weeks later, just when I was giving up hope of it working, AF started.

In January, my RE gave me two options: a laparoscopy to get rid of my endometriosis followed by more aggressive meds which he didn't favor due to the risk of twins (on my small frame), or In-vitro. After debating for a long time, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start planning for IVF. But we also wanted to try just one more cycle more naturally - ok well not quite natural, still on Clomid and ovidrel (due to my body's forgetfulness on how to ovulate). We were going to do that this cycle. However, at my cd2 ovary scan, I found out I have a rather large cyst. Looks like I'm on birth control for the next month to get this under control.

I was annoyed but not too upset. I still had to do another HSG before IVF to make sure my uterus (and tubes) were clear. They were. But, it turns out that my uterus is abnormally shaped, either a septate uterus or bicornuate uterus. Almost a year after my miscarriage, we find out what quite possibly could have caused it. Upon seeing this, my RE tells me that I know really should do the laparoscopy next so he can fix the shape of my uterus thus allowing me to carry future babies.

So here I am, scheduled to fix the possible cause of my miscarriage exactly a week before the anniversary. I'm sad it's been a year and I still don't have a baby in my arms or even in my womb. But I feel really hopeful about the laparoscopy. For the first time in a year, I feel hopeful and excited! This past year was beyond difficult for me. But hopefully this next year will bring better things - maybe even a baby!

Biopsy Results from Hysteroscopy

On Friday, I had a nurse from my RE's office call to tell me the results from the biopsy done during my hysteroscopy. She said the stuff removed was "product of conception" and that the biopsy showed I had an infection called Endometritis. She said it's not a huge deal. I'll be on antibiotics for two weeks. Once my next cycle starts I will go back for another biopsy to see if the infection is gone. When it's gone, then we can start ttc again!

I don't know if it's somewhat common to have leftover placenta and "product of conception" 2 months after a d&c. But for some reason this really frustrated me. Part of me is mad at my OB for leaving it in there. Isn't that the purpose of a d&c, to get everything out??? I thought my OB was really good so I'm not sure why this happened. Perhaps it's common or perhaps she thought it was all out or whatever was left would come out on its own.  I've got an appointment with my RE on Tuesday so I'm planning on asking him his opinion.

I'm frustrated to have an infection. I feel like it's just one more thing. Every time I think I see the end, there's one more thing. I know this issue is not even a big deal, but it just got to me this weekend. My husband keeps telling me this is the last thing. But we've been saying that and there's always one more thing.

What I'm trying to focus on is the fact that I've already had 2 cycles since our miscarriage. Before I got pregnant I wasn't even ovulating on my own let alone getting a period. So that is encouraging.

Anyway, there's my little frustrated rant and I'm done now. I know this isn't that big of a deal at all and it'll all be over soon. :)

My Hysteroscopy Experience

I went in today for my hysteroscopy. Strangely, I was more worried and nervous about my HSG a couple of weeks ago than I was for the hysteroscopy. I was told I'd have anesthesia but not enough to be completely knocked out during the procedure. As soon as they gave it to me, I knocked out and didn't even remember the doctor coming in. However, part way through the procedure I came to and was in a lot of pain. I just remember looking over my shoulder at a nurse and telling her I was in pain. Then I looked at the monitor to see the doctor cutting stuff out of my uterus.

After the procedure ended, they took me back to the recovery room area. I was just trying to relax and wait for the pain meds to kick in while I let my hubby listen to all the doctor had to say. Apparently there was still a decent amount of placenta left in my uterus that was missed during my d&c. It was really weird to me that there was still placenta left in me. He showed my hubby a handful of pictures of my uterus and said that now everything is cleaned up! I have a balloon in me that he'll take out in a week. It's supposed to help protect against more scarring I think.

After a couple of minutes, a nurse brought me crackers and ginger ale. That made me feel a lot better. By the time we left the office either the cramping went away or the pain meds had kicked in. Either way, the pain was gone! I took a 2 hour nap at home and then felt totally fine!

I'm even more excited now that this is over. I feel like we're getting a fresh start. I really hope it won't take us as long this time to get pregnant. The cool thing is, I think my hubby is just as excited for me to get pregnant again. He wants this just as much as I do. It's cute!

Hopeful

I just got back from my pre-op appointment for my Hysteroscopy. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person to be so excited to have this procedure done! I think it's just the timing of it works out so perfectly with insurance and stuff going on in life. Plus to have my uterus cleaned out and looking like a normal healthy uterus is a good thing! I was told I can start TTC again after this cycle, assuming all goes well tomorrow.

My first appointment with this Doctor was in January. My husband and I left the appointment SO excited, up-beat, and hopeful. We knew we had found a great doctor. We were so glad to be seeing a specialist. And, we were really hopeful of our chances to get pregnant. (Little did we know we already were!)

When I left the doctor's office today, I had the same feelings. I was SO excited and hopeful about our future. I feel like I'm in good hands with this doctor. I'm nervous because I don't know how long it'll take us this time. But I'm really hopeful that before too long I'll be pregnant again and just pray that it'll be a healthy full term pregnancy.

There are plenty of fears that try to sneak in, but I'm trying really hard to stay focused on the excited and hopeful feelings. On our way home from the appointment, I saw a billboard for the baby wing of the hospital I will most likely be delivering at. In the past, that would have gotten me a bit bummed because for one I'm not pregnant yet and for two that was the hospital where I had my d&c. But today, it made me hopeful to think that one day I may actually be there to deliver a healthy baby.

Oh what a difference it is to feel this way. The past two months have been really hard on me emotionally. It's great to finally have some HOPE!