Roller Coaster Ride

It's been 7 weeks since we lost our baby - 7 weeks of emotional hell! I would never wish that pain on anyone. Whenever I hear of someone who is going through a loss, my heart just breaks. I hurt for them. I just want to make it all go away. But I know all too well that there's nothing that will make it any better.

I actually felt like I healed fairly quickly. The first week or two I was actually doing fairly well. I had so much support from my family, friends, and sweet women on Twitter. I am so thankful for that. I know our baby, Matthew Owen, is in Heaven. He will never have to experience pain, sadness, etc. All he will ever know is Heaven and that is the greatest thing I mother could ever want for her child. I am not sad for Matthew. I'm sad for us, for all the hopes and dreams we had, the plans, the milestones we'll never experience, etc.

After those first two weeks I took a major nose dive. I feel like any healing I had done was ruined. The crazy hormone shift that goes on inside of you after a miscarriage is awful! I could go from fine to hysterical in a second for no reason. I felt like I was going crazy! It couldn't be healthy for me to be feeling that way. I kind of wondered if I was experiencing Post partum depression. I didn't want anyone to tell me that was normal. I wanted medicine to take it away!!

I realized, the first couple of weeks I was grieving the loss of our child. After that, I was dealing with the fact that I was back in the ttc boat again and who KNOWS what's ahead of me now. I was so mad at my body. I called my RE's nurse and she told me that once AF comes, my hormones would level out. Well AF came this weekend and with her came sweet relief. I finally feel like the wild emotional ride is over.

My break was very short lived. I found out Saturday while visiting my parents (after having a much needed laugh fest with my mom) that my Grandpa was having a major heart attack. Since then he's been on his own roller coaster ride. One minute he looks like he could go and the next minute he's lucid and improving. At this moment he's looking better but still not good.

I just feel like I can't get a break. There's a bunch of other stuff going on too that I'm not really ready to talk about. But it's just overwhelming! I'm tired! I'm tired of all this stuff going wrong! I need a break! When will things start going right again???

My husband told me today that he felt like we're in a "winter" and that spring comes after the winter. He really feels like we're about to turn a corner into spring. I really hope so. With spring comes new life! I'm really trying to look at the positives and the good things going on in our lives. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm glad to have a hubby that is so encouraging. I hope spring comes soon.

Wordless Wednesday - He's Going to be A Great Dad

My First Wordless Wednesday! A lesson in Joy

While in Africa, they showed us how to have joy despite our circumstances. I'm trying!

Drowning

My husband and I have been reading a great book called Grieving the Child I Never Knew. It has been really helpful, especially for me. I feel like the author is in my head at certain points. It makes sense though, she tried for many years to get pregnant, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, adopted a son, lost a child very soon after birth, and then had several more miscarriages. Finally after a long time trying, she gave birth to a healthy child. If anyone knows what I'm going through it's her. It's good hearing that my thoughts and feelings are normal and to have some hope that it's not always going to be this way.

Anyway, the section we read last night was title Drowning in a sea of whys. I have so many questions for God, many of which I wonder if I'll ever find answers to. Here are some of my questions:

• Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant and yet it took me a long time to get pregnant?
• Why did you allow me to get pregnant only for child to die?
• Why are there so many people around me with babies or babies on the way? Can I not get a break from having to be surrounded with it?
• Why did you give me the desire to be a mom so early if you knew I wasn't going to be able to have kids for awhile?
• When will my hormones level out so I'm not so emotional all the time?  
• Will my body kick in to gear now that I've been pregnant once or will it still take me awhile to get pregnant again?
• Will my next baby go full term and be healthy?
• When will I get to hold my baby in my arms, look at it's precious face, learn his/her characteristics, which him/her grow, etc?
• What is my purpose?! I know big one lol :) I feel like I don't even know who I am right now, what interests me, or anything. I'm sure that's grief but still...

I'm so tired of the roller coaster of emotions. One day I'm doing really well and the next I'm just depressed, crying, and there's no getting me out of it. I hate the hormonal change going on inside of me right now. And yet I want it to be happening. I want my body to level out and for AF to come asap so that we can get started with our next steps.

I totally feel like I'm drowning right now. There's so much going on in my life right now, even more than baby stuff. I just want a break! Being an adult can be no fun at times. I know that God has a plan for us and that it's good. But right now I feel like that's so far off.

I'm just tired....

My Favorite Date with my Hubs

Things have been a little rough lately.  I know I'll gripe more about ttc stuff through this blog later. I have lots I want to say. But today, I really just want to get some positives back in my life. I've been so thankful for my hubby through all of this, so I'm going to go down memory lane and share one of my favorite dates.

My hubby has taken me on plenty of dates both simple and grand. Those dates were all fun and I loved them.  But there's one date that just makes me smile.

When we were still dating and months before his birthday, I asked him what his dream date would be. The answer I got was definitely not expected. He said he wants a home cooked meal and then to do something fun and crazy like a massive food fight....ummm ok?!  So for his birthday I surprised him by cooking dinner for him and then setting up a massive food fight.

Dinner was yummy...homemade pepper steak. 

I had the food fight all planned out. First I would make him close his eyes, then put a garbage bag poncho on us to keep us both clean, and then I'd slam a whipped cream pie in his face to get things started. He'd open his eyes to find two stations, one for him and one for me. Each station has all different foods, whipped cream, pudding, jello, Cheez Whiz, etc. We'd both be at our own stations and just throw stuff at each other.

Instead, after I slammed a whipped cream pie in his face, war broke out. There were no rules except get the other person as messy as possible! It was a MESS!! But so much fun. I was COVERED in Cheez Whiz! I couldn't even open my eyes!  I'm pretty sure I was way worse off than he was. We were both laughing while my dog ran around eating up all the thrown food.

I loved this date because it just shows me how much fun we can have together. Things are super stressful right now. Sometimes we forget to just take a step back and enjoy life. I don't want to miss out on anything.

I would love to hear about your favorite dates with your hubby. If you're willing to share, either leave a comment or message me on Twitter. Better yet, write about it on your blog and leave the link in my comments!

Wanna know more about WannabeMom?

You all finally talked me into starting a blog, so here I am!!  I figure most people who will read my blog know me as Wannabemom from Twitter. If so, you already know a little about all the baby stuff going on with me. So for my first post, I'll tell you more about all the non baby stuff in my life.

I moved around a lot growing up so I depended a lot on my family. So if you ever meet me, you'll quickly discover how much of a family person I am. My parents have been married over 30 years and I have a brother 2 years older than me.

In middle school I was a nerd. Freshman year of high school I became a bigger nerd. The rest of the time in high school I was a band geek. Then in college I leveled out haha :)  I've always been given a hard time because of my appearance. I'm 5'0 - short, skinny, and I look like I'm about 14, and that's giving me a couple of years. My mom was the same way.

I went to college in Ohio and even though I didn't go to Ohio State, I'm a Buckeye fan all the way! I met my husband while spending a summer in Florida.  We had our first date the day before I had to leave and we were long distance the rest of the time we dated. We got married in June 2005.

I've always had a thing for Africa. I've wanted to go there since I was in 6th grade. My husband and I had the opportunity to go a couple of years ago. We went to Malawi Africa, where Madonna adopted her children from. It was the best experience of my entire life. I will never forget my time there and especially the people. They touched my heart in a special way. I could go on and on but that's another blog.

I love animals, especially my furbaby cat, Samson. I love to cook and especially love to bake. Wanna swap recipes?!  My husband and I consider ourselves foodies.  When we travel, which we also love to do, we tour the town through the food. Even in Mexico while on a cruise we took a cooking class.

OK that's plenty long enough for my first post. Anything you want to know about me? Leave a comment or message me on Twitter and I'll answer any questions. I'm excited to finally be blogging!