Drowning

My husband and I have been reading a great book called Grieving the Child I Never Knew. It has been really helpful, especially for me. I feel like the author is in my head at certain points. It makes sense though, she tried for many years to get pregnant, got pregnant, had a miscarriage, adopted a son, lost a child very soon after birth, and then had several more miscarriages. Finally after a long time trying, she gave birth to a healthy child. If anyone knows what I'm going through it's her. It's good hearing that my thoughts and feelings are normal and to have some hope that it's not always going to be this way.

Anyway, the section we read last night was title Drowning in a sea of whys. I have so many questions for God, many of which I wonder if I'll ever find answers to. Here are some of my questions:

• Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant and yet it took me a long time to get pregnant?
• Why did you allow me to get pregnant only for child to die?
• Why are there so many people around me with babies or babies on the way? Can I not get a break from having to be surrounded with it?
• Why did you give me the desire to be a mom so early if you knew I wasn't going to be able to have kids for awhile?
• When will my hormones level out so I'm not so emotional all the time?  
• Will my body kick in to gear now that I've been pregnant once or will it still take me awhile to get pregnant again?
• Will my next baby go full term and be healthy?
• When will I get to hold my baby in my arms, look at it's precious face, learn his/her characteristics, which him/her grow, etc?
• What is my purpose?! I know big one lol :) I feel like I don't even know who I am right now, what interests me, or anything. I'm sure that's grief but still...

I'm so tired of the roller coaster of emotions. One day I'm doing really well and the next I'm just depressed, crying, and there's no getting me out of it. I hate the hormonal change going on inside of me right now. And yet I want it to be happening. I want my body to level out and for AF to come asap so that we can get started with our next steps.

I totally feel like I'm drowning right now. There's so much going on in my life right now, even more than baby stuff. I just want a break! Being an adult can be no fun at times. I know that God has a plan for us and that it's good. But right now I feel like that's so far off.

I'm just tired....