Roller Coaster Ride

It's been 7 weeks since we lost our baby - 7 weeks of emotional hell! I would never wish that pain on anyone. Whenever I hear of someone who is going through a loss, my heart just breaks. I hurt for them. I just want to make it all go away. But I know all too well that there's nothing that will make it any better.

I actually felt like I healed fairly quickly. The first week or two I was actually doing fairly well. I had so much support from my family, friends, and sweet women on Twitter. I am so thankful for that. I know our baby, Matthew Owen, is in Heaven. He will never have to experience pain, sadness, etc. All he will ever know is Heaven and that is the greatest thing I mother could ever want for her child. I am not sad for Matthew. I'm sad for us, for all the hopes and dreams we had, the plans, the milestones we'll never experience, etc.

After those first two weeks I took a major nose dive. I feel like any healing I had done was ruined. The crazy hormone shift that goes on inside of you after a miscarriage is awful! I could go from fine to hysterical in a second for no reason. I felt like I was going crazy! It couldn't be healthy for me to be feeling that way. I kind of wondered if I was experiencing Post partum depression. I didn't want anyone to tell me that was normal. I wanted medicine to take it away!!

I realized, the first couple of weeks I was grieving the loss of our child. After that, I was dealing with the fact that I was back in the ttc boat again and who KNOWS what's ahead of me now. I was so mad at my body. I called my RE's nurse and she told me that once AF comes, my hormones would level out. Well AF came this weekend and with her came sweet relief. I finally feel like the wild emotional ride is over.

My break was very short lived. I found out Saturday while visiting my parents (after having a much needed laugh fest with my mom) that my Grandpa was having a major heart attack. Since then he's been on his own roller coaster ride. One minute he looks like he could go and the next minute he's lucid and improving. At this moment he's looking better but still not good.

I just feel like I can't get a break. There's a bunch of other stuff going on too that I'm not really ready to talk about. But it's just overwhelming! I'm tired! I'm tired of all this stuff going wrong! I need a break! When will things start going right again???

My husband told me today that he felt like we're in a "winter" and that spring comes after the winter. He really feels like we're about to turn a corner into spring. I really hope so. With spring comes new life! I'm really trying to look at the positives and the good things going on in our lives. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm glad to have a hubby that is so encouraging. I hope spring comes soon.