Almost a Year Later

I can't believe it's been almost a year since we lost our baby. The anniversary of my d&c is on March 10. So much has happened since then, and yet so little. I'm still sitting here missing my baby and wishing getting pregnant wasn't so difficult for me when it's so easy for so many other people.  In the past year, 8 of my good friends had babies (and several other pregnancies), my sister-in-law had her 3rd baby, my grandfather passed away, I quit my job, my husband got a new job, we went to California, I had 2 HSGs, 1 hysteroscopy, 1 failed natural cycle, 2 failed medicated cycles, and 2 failed IUIs.

We decided to take the month of December off to enjoy the holidays. Part of me hoped this December would turn out the same way as the previous December, with a miraculous surprise pregnancy. But my body yet again forgot how to ovulate. I waited and waited and waited and AF never came. My RE put me on Prometrium which I've never tried before. Over two weeks later, just when I was giving up hope of it working, AF started.

In January, my RE gave me two options: a laparoscopy to get rid of my endometriosis followed by more aggressive meds which he didn't favor due to the risk of twins (on my small frame), or In-vitro. After debating for a long time, my husband and I decided that we wanted to start planning for IVF. But we also wanted to try just one more cycle more naturally - ok well not quite natural, still on Clomid and ovidrel (due to my body's forgetfulness on how to ovulate). We were going to do that this cycle. However, at my cd2 ovary scan, I found out I have a rather large cyst. Looks like I'm on birth control for the next month to get this under control.

I was annoyed but not too upset. I still had to do another HSG before IVF to make sure my uterus (and tubes) were clear. They were. But, it turns out that my uterus is abnormally shaped, either a septate uterus or bicornuate uterus. Almost a year after my miscarriage, we find out what quite possibly could have caused it. Upon seeing this, my RE tells me that I know really should do the laparoscopy next so he can fix the shape of my uterus thus allowing me to carry future babies.

So here I am, scheduled to fix the possible cause of my miscarriage exactly a week before the anniversary. I'm sad it's been a year and I still don't have a baby in my arms or even in my womb. But I feel really hopeful about the laparoscopy. For the first time in a year, I feel hopeful and excited! This past year was beyond difficult for me. But hopefully this next year will bring better things - maybe even a baby!

Long Awaited Update

I feel like I've been a bad blogger since I started blogging.  Sorry about that. These past two months have been rough. Either I don't have time to blog (but PLENTY to say) or I finally have time to blog and I'm so drained I have no words to write.

My Grandpa's funeral went as well as it could. I miss my Grandpa. He was a great man. But I really enjoyed time with my family. We went through a lot of memories and just had a great time together. My Aunt had a miscarriage years ago and so we had a good heart to heart about it.

Because things have been so busy, I hadn't had much time to think about baby stuff. Plus our RE told me to wait until AF's come 3 times. So there's really not much we can be doing right now anyway. But coming back from the funeral, things are starting to slow down and return more to normal. So now I have more time to think. I really miss being pregnant. I hate thinking about how I'd have a baby in 4 months if I were still pregnant. I don't want to be in the ttc boat again. It makes me nervous thinking about it. How long will it take us this time. But I also have some excitement thinking about it. I am trying to focus more on that. I try to remain hopeful and excited.

Thankfully AF came earlier than expected which means my hysteroscopy will be on Tuesday. I'm not really sure if they are just looking or also cleaning out. They told me after my HSG that I have scarring in my uterus, probably because of the miscarriage and d&c and that's why I need the hysteroscopy. So I'm assuming that they'll be cleaning it up, but we'll see.  Weirdly enough, I'm excited about it. I'm nervous because I don't know what to expect. But excited because it means we're one step closer to a baby! Only one more AF and then we can get started!

My hubby took me to the Melting Pot for dinner last night. We really needed a date and some time away from everything. It was perfect. I feel so much more relaxed now. We haven't been able to even go on a date in awhile. So this was much needed! I'm so thankful for my hubby and how great he's been through all of this. Hopefully now we're on our way out of the "winter" and moving into the "spring."

Roller Coaster Ride

It's been 7 weeks since we lost our baby - 7 weeks of emotional hell! I would never wish that pain on anyone. Whenever I hear of someone who is going through a loss, my heart just breaks. I hurt for them. I just want to make it all go away. But I know all too well that there's nothing that will make it any better.

I actually felt like I healed fairly quickly. The first week or two I was actually doing fairly well. I had so much support from my family, friends, and sweet women on Twitter. I am so thankful for that. I know our baby, Matthew Owen, is in Heaven. He will never have to experience pain, sadness, etc. All he will ever know is Heaven and that is the greatest thing I mother could ever want for her child. I am not sad for Matthew. I'm sad for us, for all the hopes and dreams we had, the plans, the milestones we'll never experience, etc.

After those first two weeks I took a major nose dive. I feel like any healing I had done was ruined. The crazy hormone shift that goes on inside of you after a miscarriage is awful! I could go from fine to hysterical in a second for no reason. I felt like I was going crazy! It couldn't be healthy for me to be feeling that way. I kind of wondered if I was experiencing Post partum depression. I didn't want anyone to tell me that was normal. I wanted medicine to take it away!!

I realized, the first couple of weeks I was grieving the loss of our child. After that, I was dealing with the fact that I was back in the ttc boat again and who KNOWS what's ahead of me now. I was so mad at my body. I called my RE's nurse and she told me that once AF comes, my hormones would level out. Well AF came this weekend and with her came sweet relief. I finally feel like the wild emotional ride is over.

My break was very short lived. I found out Saturday while visiting my parents (after having a much needed laugh fest with my mom) that my Grandpa was having a major heart attack. Since then he's been on his own roller coaster ride. One minute he looks like he could go and the next minute he's lucid and improving. At this moment he's looking better but still not good.

I just feel like I can't get a break. There's a bunch of other stuff going on too that I'm not really ready to talk about. But it's just overwhelming! I'm tired! I'm tired of all this stuff going wrong! I need a break! When will things start going right again???

My husband told me today that he felt like we're in a "winter" and that spring comes after the winter. He really feels like we're about to turn a corner into spring. I really hope so. With spring comes new life! I'm really trying to look at the positives and the good things going on in our lives. I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm glad to have a hubby that is so encouraging. I hope spring comes soon.