It's been about 3.5 months since we lost our baby. I feel like people think I should be moving on by now, which is probably coming more from my mind than from anyone else. My friends understand and they're there for me but I just feel like they get tired of listening to me talk about it. (I'm sure that's not actually the case though.) I just don't like being the downer.
I have more good days than bad now. But I definitely have my bad days. I just wish my baby was still in my belly and I'd be meeting him in just a few months! AF is here now and I'm not sure if I've been so down because of her, if this is normal, or if there's something wrong and I should go talk to someone about it.
I have so many friends who are pregnant right now. Some are due around the time that I was due. It's so hard to see them pregnant, their bellies growing, hear about the baby moving, finding out genders, and starting to have baby showers. That's where I should be!
I also have a bunch of friends who are around the 13 weeks point in their pregnancy. Surprisingly that is also really hard for me. That's when I lost the baby. I would NEVER EVER wish our situation on anyone. It's just really hard to see them going to their 13 wk appt and getting good news at the end of it. That's all I wanted at that appointment but instead our nightmare started.
The other reason I think it's been hard is because we haven't even been able to start trying. I'm still held back from this miscarriage. I want to move on but I can't until I'm told my infection is gone. I can't wait to start trying but at the same time, I'm terrified to ttc because I don't know what to expect. Will it take a long time again? Will I actually be able to have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby?
I'm normally a very hopeful person. I'm always the one who expected the best and had faith that in the end everything would work out. But right now I'm afraid to be hopeful because I don't want to be let down again.
I feel like I'm letting my circumstances determine my happiness but I want to be happy regardless of what's going on - to be happy right where I'm at! I don't want it to seem like the world revolves around me or that my friends can't be excited around me for their own babies/pregnancies. I just want to be me again and to be HAPPY!
The Grind
1 year ago
Posts
6 comments:
I can say with certainty that none of us, your readers and IF friends, are tired of hearing about this. Even though I've never lost a child, I can imagine how overwhelming the grief must feel. I don't think anyone ever fully recovers from a loss like what you went through. It's difficult. I know that nothing I write or say can take the pain you feel away from you or help you heal, but know that we are all here to hold your hand during tough times like this.
Thinking of you today and hoping that the sun comes out again tomorrow.
Take your time to grieve - its all normal. Praying for your happiness
I completely understand!! Completely! That's why it's great to be able to write about what you're going through and have other people who truly understand read and give you support. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I feel like people get tired of reading my posts about miscarriage too. And I have A TON of friends pregnant right now and it's all over Facebook (of course). It's SO HARD. But I think you have the right attitude. You have to move at your own pace and what feels right for you. Prayer and reading the Bible have really helped me. And the support of friends and readers of my blog. You can get through this and God will give you that precious baby you've been hoping for. But you'll NEVER forget your baby in Heaven. He/she will always be special to you and in your heart. He/she was your first miracle. Now you're praying for your second!
Sending you a MILLION HUGS!! I understand the feeling of not wanting to be let down again. True friends will understand your conflict between sadness and happiness. I was lucky to have a few friends understand mine.
Wishing you all the best ♥
3.5 months is not that long! Of course you are still sad and grieving. This is not something we get over in an instant. I'm 7+ months out from my miscarriage and I still feel sad and down sometimes. But I'm doing much better than I was three months ago-- and you will be doing better at this point, too.
I talk about this a lot less frequently with friends and family now, because no one can really sympathize at this point. I'm trying to think about it less frequently, too, but I don't think that will happen until I have a living child.
I'm not sure that anyone ever fully recovers from a miscarriage. The fact that you're able to talk about it is very telling of your inner strength. This too shall pass and soon you will be able to make busy with the BD'ing again. Try to hang in there till then.
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