Starting to get glimpses of Spring!

When my husband and I went on our California vacation, we said it was a fresh start for us. We felt like it would be our transition from winter to spring. Even though I said that, it's been kind of hard for me to believe that spring would ever come.

We tried to get pregnant for a year with disappointment after disappointment. I get pregnant and then lose the baby, then I lose my grandpa, finally I find out that I still have stuff going on in me from the miscarriage (more placenta and the infection). I wanted to get excited and hopeful for our future but at the same time I don't want to get disappointed again.

Things have started looking a little brighter though. I hadn't tracked anything with my body for the last 3 months. I figured I'm not supposed to get prego right now anyway so might as well take a break. I started temping once I got back from CA and noticed a spike last week. So I'm hoping that means that AF comes within a week! Also, my husband got a new job which we are really excited about and is a really good thing for our family and family plans.

However, I've still been on an emotional roller coaster. One day I'm fine, in fact super excited and hopeful about our future. The next day I'm totally discouraged and wonder if I'll ever get my miracle baby.

Yesterday started out one of my really good days. Every Wednesday we have a group of friends come over, 4 other couples. One couple had a baby about 2 months ago (one of my best friends), another couple has 2 kids and is prego with their third, and then the third couple announced their pregnancy last night. In fact, the two pregos are literally days apart! This was their first try too of course! For some reason it was a huge blow to me.

I am not really sure exactly why it was so hard. I think part of it is now I'm the last of that group and one of the last of all my friends to have a baby. I have tried through our whole journey to be SO genuinely excited for people when they're pregnant and I really am so happy for her. But I felt like the worst person ever last night. All I wanted to do was cry. Here she is telling us her happy news and I couldn't even crack a fake smile in fear that I'd bawl my eyes out. The whole night was baby talk and I wanted to just go to bed but it was at our house!

I ended up having a long conversation with my really good friend and she helped a lot. I hate where I'm at right now. It's a really hard journey and it's hard to watch everyone around me have babies but not me. I know my friends understand what we've been through and understand it's hard. I don't want them to stop talking about babies around me. That's their lives and I want them to be able to talk and celebrate and I don't want to always be the downer. I know when I get prego again, I'll be back to my happy self and we'll all talk babies together and it'll be great. But I don't want it to seem that the world revolves around me and I can only be happy when it's something good happening to me.

Onto a new day. I'm sure I'll get back on the roller coaster and be happy and hopeful today. Hopefully AF comes soon to ease these hormones :) I'm trying to look at the good....when I DO get pregnant again, I'll be able to be prego with 3 of my really good friends. That'll be fun. I just hope it happens soon!